Q: Dear Amy, I have been seeing a guy for about two months now, and so far everything has been wonderful -- except that his ex-girlfriend is a complete psycho. She has called me at work, had her friends leave me messages online, and just tonight while I was at my guy's house, she busted in on us and flipped out. However, this isn't what's really bothering me. It turns out that he has been secretly texting her the entire time we've been together, even though he says they've been through for at least four months. I would have never figured this out, except that when she flipped out on us tonight, she happened to scream "Why are you with someone when you texted me saying you wanted to talk?!" So I grabbed his phone, and sure enough, he had texted her that. And it didn't stop there... there were multiple messages asking to talk, to go out and eat, and even one where he was mad at her for going out somewhere. After she left, I confronted him about it, and he said he was just trying to be nice to her because she was his best friend and it was hard losing her, but he kept assuring me that they were definitely through and now he would start being firm with her about that fact. Am I being paranoid, or do I have a right to still be suspicious? - Confused

Amy: Dear Confused, You are not being paranoid and you absolutely have a right to be suspicious. In fact, I would be more than just suspicious. It sounds like this girl is “psycho” at least in part because your boyfriend is leading her on and giving her reason to assume there is something more there. Does it really make sense that he would text her multiple times to go out and talk just to be nice to her? That makes no sense to me. And if she is his best friend and it was hard for him to lose her as a friend, why would he have to lie to you and keep their friendship from you? If my boyfriend were having lunch and meeting up with his ex I would expect to know about it, especially if it really is innocent.

Only you can know what feels like the right way to proceed. If you choose to trust him and stay together, I would recommend slowing way down, starting over from the beginning, and rebuilding trust. Until you feel comfortable with things, you should know things like when he sees or talks to his ex and any other girls he may see. After some time rebuilding your relationship from the beginning you can judge whether you feel like you trust him enough to move forward. Good luck!

Q: Hi Amy, I am 18 years old and a senior in high school. I have dated the same guy for 2-1/2 years and he recently broke up with me. We were fighting a lot and things were not good but I was surprised when he broke up with me. He told me that he just wanted to be single and hang out with his guy friends and that he will always love me. One week later, he started hanging out with another girl at school who is totally opposite of me. He always told me how lucky he was to have a girl with high morals, didn't drink, smoke or do drugs. The girl he is hanging out with has no morals, big flirt, different guy every other day, drinks, smokes pot. I am absolutely shocked! He flaunts this girl in my face at school and takes her home from school everyday. I still care a lot about my ex and I don't know why he is acting this way? We don't talk to each other at all. We have 4 classes together and I catch him starring at me and he tries to find information out about me through friends. I really can't understand his behavior at all and going to school is really hard, especially watching him with another girl. He admitted to his friends that he was just using this girl to have some fun with til he goes away to college. It's like he's a totally different person from the guy I dated for 2-1/2 years. I honestly though we would get back together but now I don't know. I guess I'm just trying to understand his behavior? - Annie

Amy: Dear Annie, I completely understand how this situation feels shocking to you after 2 ½ years together, but it makes perfect sense to me. He’s doing exactly what he said he was going to do—being single and having fun with this girl before graduating. You and your ex are very young; after being in a long-term relationship for his entire dating life, he’s just trying to experience the other side of the coin.

I know you may not believe me when I say this, but his behavior has nothing to do with you and his relationship with this other girl does not compare his relationship with you at all. He spent two years with you because of the person you are—it sounds like you were exactly what he wanted in a girlfriend. The fact that he is with your polar opposite is a good indication that he isn’t interested in her in any serious way. He wants to see what it’s like to be with someone different and he may feel like this girl is a way to rebel after being a “good guy” in a committed relationship for so long. It doesn’t mean that he wasn’t happy with you, it just means that he’s 18 and has some life experience to go through before he’s ready to settle down with a decent person like yourself.

I wouldn’t count out getting back together because of this. Again, remember that this is just something he needs to go through and it has nothing to do with you or your relationship with him.

After he spends some time playing the field and getting to experience dating other people the two of you could get back together. But you have to let him do his thing first, and it would be great if you would date other people for a while to see what that’s like for yourself. It’s really hard when you are with someone who seems perfect for you when you are so young because you’re inevitably going to come up against this kind of scenario. I know you’re feeling hurt over this but try to just give it some time and space. Good luck.

Q: Hi Amy, I became Paraplegic after a car/Bike accident that was 5 years ago. i was a certified Effective Cyclist for 43 years. How can I get women to notice me. I contacted a woman on a dating website last week and after 5 days I have no reply. What can I do to better my odds? - Ronald

Amy: Dear Ronald, In general, you can better your odds by looking to meet women in various ways, including online, through friends, and in person through shared interests. Be upfront about your physical circumstances but don’t assume that it’ll be a deal breaker or that it will affect your ability to attract women. Also, be upfront about what you’re looking for in a relationship.

If you’re interested in dating paraplegic women or women with other physical issues, you might look into websites or in-person groups where those women might hang out. That could take a huge load off by automatically leveling the playing field—your physical status is essentially a non-issue from the beginning. Of course you can date a woman who doesn’t have any physical challenges and it could work out wonderfully, it’s just going to take a little getting used to for her in the beginning and a little patience on your part.

I recently answered a similar question giving dating advice on the site and that response might be useful to you as well. Good luck!

Q: Dr. Amy, I met a guy on a dating website and was immediately attracted to his profile. After talking for five months (not consistently), I finally decided to go and meet him. He had invited me to come see him several times before but once he said he wasn't inviting me anymore and the ball was in my court, I went with it. It was only a 3 hour drive from my parents' home. Imagine my surprise when we finally met, there was an instant attraction, at least on my part. We ended up having a really great date ... movie, dinner, club and he even spent the night with me at the hotel (no sex).

Well, the next morning (Sunday), I left to go back home and called him when I arrived back and we talked briefly. He's sent me a few texts since then and I called him on Tuesday. It's now Thursday and I haven't received a return call or texts since Tuesday. I knew that I would like him, which I why I wasn't trying to meet him, but now that we have met, I hate myself for liking him so much. Please help - Charlie

Amy: Dear Charlie, It’s only been a couple days. If you don’t hear from him by the weekend or early next week, call him again. I recommend trying at least twice. If he doesn’t respond the second time, he’s probably not interested.

Even if that’s the case, is it really so bad? I don’t think it’s worth beating yourself up over (and definitely not worth hating yourself over!). The past five months have been inconsistent and you didn’t like him during that time anyway, so you’ve only been emotionally invested for less than a week. Do you realize how quickly you’ll get over him after just one week of liking him? Quickly, trust me. We always over-estimate how long it’ll take to get over things but we are much more resilient than we give ourselves credit for.

So the most you’ve really invested is a weekend, some miles on your car and a little gas money. And you got a fun night out of it, so even that isn’t wasted. Watch the thoughts you’re telling yourself—those are what’s causing your pain. A good way to find out is to ask yourself: How am I making this more than it is? Are you making it mean something about you that he hasn’t called? Are you assuming you’ll be depressed over this guy? Watch those leaps—make sure that the conclusions you’re drawing are logical and appropriate given the circumstance.

Q: Hi Amy, Me and my boyfriend hit it off really big when we first met through our friends. We still have fun together and we love each other and we also still have that gleam in our eyes every now and then. My question is, how do I know if its the real thing?

Amy: Dear Anonymous, That’s the million dollar question! There aren’t any fool proof rules or external things to look for to know whether a relationship is “the real thing”. I know this may be a frustrating answer, but I think that many times you “just know”. Often (but not always!), when people are consumed with figuring out whether a relationship is the real thing, it’s not. They are trying to justify something that just doesn’t feel right on some level.

To know whether a relationship—or anything in life—is right for you, always consult your body before your mind. Our bodies are a compass telling us if we’re headed in the right direction; the trick is learning how to read that compass. I recommend spending some time relaxing…take some deep breaths, let go of the tension in your body and then scan your body from your toes to your head tracking any sensations. Think about your relationship and note how your body feels. When you think about being with your boyfriend for life, do you notice any feelings in your gut, in your heart, or in your head? Do they feel positive, like excitement or contentment, or negative, like anxiety or sadness? Spend some time getting to know the sensations that occur in your body when you think about various things so that you are familiar with your own personal compass.

Of course the mind can be useful at times, but the mind likes to rationalize and rely on familiar theories and sets of beliefs that often go unchallenged. For example, if you hold a deep-rooted belief that the perfect guy looks, acts, or even smells a certain way, you’re going to have a really hard time overriding that belief even if it is completely untrue, irrelevant to your current situation, or hurtful. The mind forms strong associations between people and concepts that aren’t always beneficial. Think about the woman who grew up with an abusive father and later gets into abusive relationships with men. She logically knows that this isn’t good for her, but her concepts of father, protector, and abuse are so intertwined that she isn’t able to separate them. She feels comfortable and familiar with someone who matches her father on a subconscious mental level.

So, the best way to know whether something is truly good for you is to see how it feels in your body. You might visualize waking up with your boyfriend 30 years down the road and pay attention to how that feels in your body. Look out for mental justifications or rationalizations about why he is or isn’t right for you. Check lists of qualities don’t go very far in determining whether it’s right. The way you feel around him and when you think about him is a much better indicator. Again, often you just know. It’s a physical feeling, not a decision.