Q: Hi Amy, Over the past holidays a very close friend of mine and I got a little closer then planed. He never thought I would give him a chance ... I have had a crush on him for a while but was scared to say or do anything because of the fact that it could always go wrong and we would end up ruin or friendship. He had a girlfriend for about 5 years that did him wrong and they recently broke up. So yes he has a lot of issues in the trusting department , I can completely understand that. About a month ago he told me he wanted to try and make this work ... but now he keeps putting me into the category of his ex's like he didn't know what will happen a year from now or what I will do. He says he can't have anyone run in and out of his girls life. I love the girls, they are my world and I would never hurt them and he knows that. He sends me flowers and tell me he misses me and the next day he will ask me what I want. What should I do? - Nini

Amy: Dear Nini, If this guy has trust issues that have nothing to do with you, there may not be much you can do. You can talk to him about your intentions and reassure him that you’re in this for the right reasons. You can acknowledge that you don’t know what’s going to happen in the future but show him the ways that you are different from his past girlfriends. You can keep the communication open so that when he gets nervous, you’ll know and can help him through it. But none of these will help him feel better unless he is willing to work through his trust issues and is willing to trust you, at least a little.

Almost everyone brings past relationships into new relationships to some extent. This can be very hard on the new people we’re with, but our past is a part of who we are. I know it’s not an easy fix, but talking to him about his fears and being there for him if he chooses to work on his trust issues is about the best you can do. When he realizes that his ex-girlfriends have colored his current judgments as much as they have, he’ll hopefully decide to do what it takes to leave the past in the past. If he doesn’t or can’t, try not to take it personally. It really has to be something he is emotionally ready for and if he isn’t, it has nothing to do with you.

Q: Hi , Amy I've been dating a much much older woman than me. Its been actually a very long term relationship. Now that I am ready to move and actually am thinking about having children I'm confused on what to do. First I know I deeply care about her but when I think of what my family will say and other people will say about our relationship, I get nervous (I know its cowardly) but I cant help it. I would just like to know if you think , there is actually a future or I should just end the relationship, which is very hard almost impossible for me because I feel so guilty of leaving her by herself since she has no one close to her. If so what the best way to end it? Thanks - Dating Much Older women

Amy: Dear Dating Much Older Woman, My impression from your question is that you are starting to feel like there isn’t a future for this relationship but you have doubts about your courage to end it. I know you care about this woman and don’t want her to hurt, but her response to a break up is not under your control. It’s just not possible for you to make sure she is happy—her happiness is her own business and is due to her thoughts and reactions, not your actions. I understand that it may be difficult to end things if you feel like you are leaving her alone, but you’re focusing on just one piece of the puzzle and assuming that things won’t change for her. Maybe if the two of you break up she’ll make new friends and find people to be close to. It’s possible that she’s not doing those things now because she doesn’t feel like she has to, but if circumstances in her life changed she may end up happier than ever. You just never know what might happen so staying in this relationship for any reason other than that you really want to is taking a very risky bet that could hold you both back from happiness that you can’t even imagine right now.

Whether or not to move or have children are major life decisions. It’s totally understandable that you’d want to do what is best for yourself without feeling held back in any way. As hard as it may be, I’d really urge you to make decisions about the future you want independent of this relationship. Imagine your life 10, 20, and 30 years in the future. Without thinking about it too much, what do you see? Do you see children in the picture? Where are you living? Who is around you—what do they look like? Is it her?

There isn’t always a fool-proof way to know that you’re making the best decision about a relationship. You have to try to bypass your thoughts, beliefs, and fears, and focus on your emotions. What feels right? What future scenario makes you most happy? Those are good clues for you on what to do. If you do decide that this relationship has run its course, end it with the dignity and honesty it deserves. You wouldn’t want someone to stay with you out of pity or just so that you wouldn’t be alone, and she wouldn’t either. And like I said, you never know…when a door closes, a window always opens. You could be opening a window for her that she wouldn’t otherwise have.

Q: Dear Amy, I met this girl over the summer at my house party for the first time. From the first contact I had with, I could say I liked her. We didn't see each other for quite sometime but the next time we saw each was at my birthday party and we talked and danced for a bit. And since we have the same circle of friends we always ended up running into each other during social gatherings. The next time we met, she gave me her number and we started talking but the conversations weren't anything special. One time at a party, she was drunk and tried to kiss me which I refused and I told her about it and she felt embarrassed. After this incident and as time went by we started getting comfortable around each other and everything lightened up even the conversations where by now we even talk daily.

The one problem I kind of have is that on her Facebook page she says she is in a relationship which I think might not be true. And she knows I like her because our friends tease us about it all the time which we both deny. She gets mad when I interact with other girls when she's around. I like and I respect so I wouldn't do anything stupid but it can go on for long because I feel like I'm already in a relationship when I'm not even in one. I want to tell her how I feel about her but for all the right reasons. Things are great between between us and I would not want to jeopardize our friendship and I also don't want to not say anything and regret later. Sorry it is long. - K.B

Amy: Dear K.B., I’m confused about her Facebook status. Why would she say she is in a relationship if she’s not? Is she referring to her relationship with you? Or do you think there is even a chance she has another boyfriend?

I’m not exactly sure what’s going on with the two of you but I would absolutely ask her about this relationship she is supposedly in. You have to get to the bottom of that—it shouldn’t jeopardize your friendship at all to get some clarity around that. I would think that you need to know about that before you say anything to her about how you feel.

Once you figure out what relationship she’s in, my thought is that you should tell her exactly how you feel. Of course you have to ultimately do what feels right to you, but I’m guessing you have a lot of friends so I wouldn’t worry so much about potentially losing this friendship. If your conversation with her turns awkward and the friendship can’t survive that, then the friendship wasn’t so strong to begin with. Since you’ve liked her since the day you met, your relationship is much more romantic than pure friendship anyway. Good luck.

Q: Hi Amy, I have been seeing my older brother's friend for about 2 weeks now. We hit it off at my birthday party and he got my number. He asked me out on a date a few days later and we went out that week. We had a great first date and both agreed we wanted to see each other again. We made plans for a second date, but the day arrived and he ended up canceling, saying his friend broke up with his girlfriend and wanted to hang out. This was the first mixed signal.

He ended up contacting me two days later and we went out the following day. We went to the movies and he held my hand throughout and after we went back to his house. Everything went great again. We didn't make plans for the next date, but I figured we would at some point. My brother's girlfriend knows him really well so she said to throw him a bone, because he has never been in a serious relationship and needs some encouragement. Usually I wouldn't initiate contact with a guy, but I thought it would be okay in this case. So I asked him what he was doing on Saturday night. He said he was going out with a friend from work. I told him I was going to a party and we exchanged texts for a little while. Then I asked him "Will I see you this week?" and he replied after 20 minutes saying "we will see what my schedule is like."

What does this all mean? I am leaving in about 2 weeks to do an internship in Vancouver and I will be gone for about 4 weeks. I am in my last semester in college, he graduated 3 years ago. - Paige

Amy: Dear Paige, It’s hard to know what’s going on with this guy without knowing him better or hearing it directly from him. Maybe he really is unsure of how to act since he hasn’t had a serious relationship, but since you opened the door for him I would think he’d be able to walk through on his own. Or maybe he changed his mind about things after your last date and doesn’t know how to tell you. I know it seems unlikely since the date went so well, but you never know what’s going on in the other person’s head. It could have nothing to do with you—maybe he decided he wasn’t ready to date someone right now, doesn’t want to date his friend’s sister, or any number of possible explanations.

You have a few options. You could be more direct and ask him out again, mentioning a specific day and time so that there is no ambiguity, and see what he says. Or you could ask him if he is still interested in dating and see how he responds. Let him know that you were confused by his reaction to your texts and you just want to know how he feels about things. Or, you could take his reaction to your texts as a sign that he isn’t interested and move on. With this option, you may never really know the truth, but if you’re okay with that and would prefer to just end things without needing to address it, this might be the best option for you.

At any rate, since you’re off to Vancouver for 4 weeks you might just let it go and see if anything picks up when you return. Good luck!

Q: Dear Amy, I am 19 years old and my last relationship didn't end too well, he left me for a "dancer". I work and am a full-time college student. I go out to concerts to try to meet new people and that doesn't work. Most of the people I know have a steady relationship and it gets tiring to listen to them talk about their relationships all the time. I recently met a guy and we flirted a lot but it turns out he has a girlfriend. I'm feeling like i have no luck in the dating scene. Can you give me any advice? - Ryann

Amy: Dear Ryann, I understand your frustration but I don’t know that you’re doing anything wrong. My advice might be annoying, but based on the information you provided in your question, I would tell you to keep getting out there and trying!

College is usually one of the easier times in life to meet people because you are surrounded by a lot of like-minded guys in your age range. Instead of focusing on finding your next boyfriend, try focusing on just getting to know as many new people as possible, men and women (you never know when the next girlfriend you meet could introduce you to someone). At work, in classes, at the concerts you go to, open yourself up to making friends instead of finding dates. Also, try at least one new thing each week. Go somewhere you wouldn’t normally go, try a new activity, look into new hobbies…this exercise will not only put you in front of a lot of new and interesting people, but it’s a great way to explore yourself and your interests at a time in your life when you’re making big decisions about your future.

I do understand that it can be frustrating when the people around you all seem to be in relationships and you aren’t. But trust me, you are young and your time will come as long as you are open to it. Be careful to not label yourself as someone who has a hard time in relationships. So your ex-boyfriend left you for a dancer…that says nothing about you and everything about him. Don’t let one person define who you are or how you want your love life to go. You get to decide your own path regardless of any of your experiences thus far. Decide how you want your life to look and go do things that are consistent with that picture.