Q: Hi Amy, my boyfriend and I broke up about 4 months ago. I had been overseas and he did some things that lead me not to trust him and for us to break-up. When I got back home, he told me he would do anything to get me back, so we started seeing each other again. We were good, but he didn't understand that I didn't want him hanging out with girls by himself because he had violated my trust. This is when things started going down hill, he then told me he loved me but couldn't be with me because we fought too much. It hurt me that I was willing to work at our relationship and he changed his mind. The week after we broke up definitely, he hooked up with another girl. This disgusted me, and I guess I was okay for a while because I was angry at him and thought that God let this happen, that it would be okay because he had a lot of problems. Now three months later, I don't feel as angry and still love him very much. We don't talk, but last week when we were at a concert together, we danced and told me he still loved me but could not be with him. It is a horrible feeling to have someone that used to love u so much tell you that he doesn't want anything anymore even though I was his first love. Since it made me feel bad that he said that I told him that I deserved better than him, and he agreed. He will also talk about me to my cousin, asking her about me and sending me mixed signals. I don't know what do to. Please advice. - Cata

Amy: Dear Cata, I know you want to hang on to the possibility of this working, but it sounds like it’s time to let go. Letting go doesn’t mean that you’ll never be together in the future, it just means that you let go of trying to make it happen right now and you begin to feel better immediately. Much of our pain in situations like this comes from two things: resisting reality and telling stories that aren’t true. The reality of your current situation is that he doesn’t want to be together right now. As soon as you can embrace that reality you will begin to feel better. However, part of why that reality is so difficult is that you have a lot of thoughts or stories that you’re telling yourself that aren’t necessarily true. For example, what does it mean to you that he is seeing other women? You may be drawing some conclusions from his behavior, such as “he doesn’t care about me” or “our relationship wasn’t that important to him”. Be very careful about inferring things from his behavior, especially when those things are hurtful and don’t serve you. The truth is, you just don’t know how he feels or what’s driving his behavior. The more you try to figure it out on your own, the more likely you are to find conclusions that hurt and that aren’t true.

I think you’re viewing his “signals” as mixed because you want to believe that this could still work out. Some of his signals have been very clear: he has told you that he can’t be with you right now. He may also say that he still loves you, but unfortunately that’s irrelevant to your relationship. Just because two people break up doesn’t make them automatically stop loving each other. You may still have feelings for each other that you describe as love for years to come, but that doesn’t mean you’re meant to be together. Unless he says he wants to get back together, it’s to your benefit to begin to let go and move on. Good luck—it will get easier over time.

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