Building trust in a relationship after cheating
Q: Dear Amy, I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years. Nearly 3 years ago we nearly split up because I found out he was on a dating website (he'd left his email signed in on my computer) and texting women from that site. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I looked on his cell to find out how far he'd gone with these women and to get their numbers. The good news was he never met any of them or suggested a meet up. The bad news was that the text messaging was of a sexual nature. I'd seen one of the texts he sent, and it was very graphic. It was hard work, but we stayed together and I forgave him. He left the site and cut all contact with the women. The hurt is still there, and I do find myself wary; looking for a hint that he's doing it again. For months now I've noticed him being secretive with his cell,and when we're out he goes to the toilet numerous times. One time he got a text while we were at my home, read it, smiled at me and put the cell away. Usually he'll say who it is. He says he loves me,and he doesn't want to lose me. He's made an effort to spend more time with me and my child-who loves him very much. Why is he doing this? I don't have proof and may just be paranoid because of the past. But if he is, I can't and won't tolerate it. He promised me he'd never do it again; I promised I'd never look on his cell again. The temptation to break my promise is so strong. What do I do? - Kasey from New York
Amy: Dear Kasey, In an ideal world, you would forgive him and move on to fully trust him again, and he would never do anything to make you question his commitment. But, that's not how things seem to be working out. You have every right in the world to still question his actions, especially when they are suspicious as you've described. You also have every right to ask for information or proof from him. When he gets a text message that you are curious about it, ask to see it. If he is doing nothing wrong he should have absolutely no problem showing you his phone.
Think about it: if the roles were reversed and you were committed to showing him that you could be trusted, wouldn't you be eager to prove your commitment? If you were texting your girlfriend and he asked to see it, you'd immediately show him that there is nothing to worry about. Shouldn't he be doing the same? It doesn't matter if it takes 2 years or 20 years, if he wants to be with you he need to earn back your trust. If he complains about that or doesn't think it's fair, he is just not respecting you. I'm not sure why you promised to never look at his phone again (doing so the first time was totally understandable) but if you feel you need to see it in order to move forward with your trust building, you have to tell him. He'll show you or he won't, and you'll know what it means if he doesn't.
There is one thing I've seen a lot that I want you to be very careful about. Many, many times, guys or girls who have cheated will make their partner feel guilty for questioning their actions. PLEASE do not fall into this trap. If, for example, you tell him that you are having trouble trusting him and would like to see his text messages and he tries to make you feel bad for even asking (often turning everything around on you, calling you paranoid or saying he can't believe you don't trust him), BEWARE. Not only is he possibly cheating, but he's trying to make you feel guilty for it. That is not okay.
The bottom line is that he made the mistake and if he wants to be with you, he needs to do whatever it takes to re-earn your trust. If that means you share a cell phone or you always know his email password, so be it. It's not a fun way to live, but it would show you that he doesn't have anything to hide. If he's committed to your relationship, he'll do what you need without making you feel badly about it. I hate to hear that you feel guilty about not trusting him. It sounds like you've been very understanding and would like to trust him, but he needs to do his part too. I know it's further complicated because your child is attached to him, but it's better for everyone to know the truth sooner rather than later. Attachment only grows with time, and you really need to know who you're with. Please write in again if you need further advice on this.
Amy: Dear Kasey, In an ideal world, you would forgive him and move on to fully trust him again, and he would never do anything to make you question his commitment. But, that's not how things seem to be working out. You have every right in the world to still question his actions, especially when they are suspicious as you've described. You also have every right to ask for information or proof from him. When he gets a text message that you are curious about it, ask to see it. If he is doing nothing wrong he should have absolutely no problem showing you his phone.
Think about it: if the roles were reversed and you were committed to showing him that you could be trusted, wouldn't you be eager to prove your commitment? If you were texting your girlfriend and he asked to see it, you'd immediately show him that there is nothing to worry about. Shouldn't he be doing the same? It doesn't matter if it takes 2 years or 20 years, if he wants to be with you he need to earn back your trust. If he complains about that or doesn't think it's fair, he is just not respecting you. I'm not sure why you promised to never look at his phone again (doing so the first time was totally understandable) but if you feel you need to see it in order to move forward with your trust building, you have to tell him. He'll show you or he won't, and you'll know what it means if he doesn't.
There is one thing I've seen a lot that I want you to be very careful about. Many, many times, guys or girls who have cheated will make their partner feel guilty for questioning their actions. PLEASE do not fall into this trap. If, for example, you tell him that you are having trouble trusting him and would like to see his text messages and he tries to make you feel bad for even asking (often turning everything around on you, calling you paranoid or saying he can't believe you don't trust him), BEWARE. Not only is he possibly cheating, but he's trying to make you feel guilty for it. That is not okay.
The bottom line is that he made the mistake and if he wants to be with you, he needs to do whatever it takes to re-earn your trust. If that means you share a cell phone or you always know his email password, so be it. It's not a fun way to live, but it would show you that he doesn't have anything to hide. If he's committed to your relationship, he'll do what you need without making you feel badly about it. I hate to hear that you feel guilty about not trusting him. It sounds like you've been very understanding and would like to trust him, but he needs to do his part too. I know it's further complicated because your child is attached to him, but it's better for everyone to know the truth sooner rather than later. Attachment only grows with time, and you really need to know who you're with. Please write in again if you need further advice on this.
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amy Jun 9, 2009 06:41 PM PDT |
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Good points, bfuldisaster! I totally agree with your final paragraph in your advice to Kasey.
Of course the boyfriend has the right to decline, but would you stay with someone who cheated on you before and is still keeping secrets? That's a very bad sign.
I hope things work out for you Kasey!
Of course the boyfriend has the right to decline, but would you stay with someone who cheated on you before and is still keeping secrets? That's a very bad sign.
I hope things work out for you Kasey!
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bfuldisaster Jun 18, 2009 06:30 PM PDT |
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I, for one, do not do monogamy. My partner and I are in an open relationship. The only way for him to cheat on me is to do something with another person and *not* tell me.
This being said, I will not tolerate cheating and I will leave. No second chances. I cannot regain that trust in my partner after they have broken it, and I cannot see a reason to drag out a relationship in that state.
This being said, I will not tolerate cheating and I will leave. No second chances. I cannot regain that trust in my partner after they have broken it, and I cannot see a reason to drag out a relationship in that state.
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Dr Amy is a psychologist and certified life coach who helps clients via relationship coaching. Ask Amy for dating tips and relationship advice.
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Jun 9, 2009 02:12 PM PDT
As for justifying her looking through his phone the first time, I would have done it myself, but that doesn't make an invasion of privacy right. I agree with you on the topic of blame reversal. Its NOT right for the accused to yell and throw a hissyfit. I don't think its right for *anyone* to act like a spoiled 5y/o regardless of the situation.
My advice to you Kasey is to ask to see the information. If you are constantly checking his email, phone, credit card bill, and what-have-you, what kind of relationship is that? Trust your gut. If he refused to show you, don't go behind his back and look. You'd be sinking to his level (of 3 years ago) and its not worth it. If he refused to ease your concern, and your gut still tells you something is wrong, leave. Easier said than done, I know. But your kid will only get more attached, and I fear you will end up sacrificing your happiness
for complacency.