Self healing and going back to confident self after a break-up
Q: Hi Amy, My boyfriend of 4 years abruptly moved out, saying he wasn't in love with me anymore. The truth is I don't think I was ever in love with him. He never wanted to travel with me, have sex with me (though he was affectionate), he subtly made fun of my family, friends, and me. Breaking up should be a seamless transition. But he was funny and handsome and did have staccato moments of love letters and candlelit dinners. We had a domestic life that I was in love with. I never thought I could be this damaged, 1 year after a breakup. It's because with him, he acts now as if he never knew me, yesterday's news. He doesn't know I still think of him. I've realized that who was once a confident girl, is now a self-esteem mess, and I think it's due to exposure of his past and current beautiful successful girlfriend(s), his personal glories, and the mind-games he played over time. I shamefully feel inadequate. Until I met him, I loved my life, myself and experiences. He cried a lot for me after he left. He tried to come back and for 2 weeks was great. Then he suddenly stopped calling, and has never tried to contact me since, nor me him. So many unanswered questions. 4 years, poof! I can't grasp feeling so disposable to someone who I shared my life with, how he moved on within 3 months as if we never knew each other, and is giving his new relationship everything he never gave ours. I'm so sad. Is it ever ever really real? Or are we all just chapters in other people's books? Please advise - Marie
Amy: Dear Marie, I can tell that this is very painful for you and perhaps most of all, frustrating that you’re still feeling the way you are after a year. It’s very easy to look to his behavior and cite that as the cause of your pain and frustration. However, as hard as it may be to hear, our pain is always caused by our own thoughts and the stories we are telling about a situation rather than the situation itself. In other words, your boyfriend has been out of your life for a year, yet you are feeling pain…since he is gone, your thoughts, memories, and interpretations are the source of your pain, not him.
It’s important to recognize this as a first step to healing. It’s actually great news because it means that you determine your emotions, not him. You have much more control over your own thoughts than you do over him or his behaviors, so this puts you back in the driver’s seat.
I can tell that you are placing a lot of meaning on particular things he did or said. Suppose for a moment that the meaning you are imposing on his actions is not correct. For example, you say that he acts as if he never knew you and you draw the conclusion that you are disposable. Do you see how linking his action (acting like he never knew you) to some interpretation (your relationship wasn’t important, you are disposable) feels? The truth is, you have no idea why he did the things he did, even if the reason seems obvious. His actions, like everyone’s actions, are 99% due to what’s going on within him and have very little to do with outside circumstances, something about you, or something about your relationship. If you can accept that you just don’t know why he acted the way he did and catch yourself when you begin to draw conclusions from his behavior, you will experience much less pain.
Look at the stories you are telling to explain his behavior and ask yourself, “Can I absolutely know this is true?” I think you’ll find that you can’t usually know for sure what he is/was thinking or what drove him to act in any particular way. Your theories may sound reasonable to you (and it’s natural to derive theories to explain confusing events) but they are not helping you move on at all. In fact, they are keeping you stuck.
Do whatever you can to remember the confident, secure person you used to be. You may even role play and act the way she would act or think the way she would think. Over time those patterns will become more and more familiar to you and the way you used to be will become your new default. When you think about your ex and begin to feel sad or less confident, immediately monitor the thoughts you are having and ask yourself if they are true. If you find that they aren’t necessarily true or that you can’t know for sure, chose to focus on a thought or interpretation that feels better and that fits with the person you want to re-become. It takes a little practice but you can absolutely turn your thinking around.
Amy: Dear Marie, I can tell that this is very painful for you and perhaps most of all, frustrating that you’re still feeling the way you are after a year. It’s very easy to look to his behavior and cite that as the cause of your pain and frustration. However, as hard as it may be to hear, our pain is always caused by our own thoughts and the stories we are telling about a situation rather than the situation itself. In other words, your boyfriend has been out of your life for a year, yet you are feeling pain…since he is gone, your thoughts, memories, and interpretations are the source of your pain, not him.
It’s important to recognize this as a first step to healing. It’s actually great news because it means that you determine your emotions, not him. You have much more control over your own thoughts than you do over him or his behaviors, so this puts you back in the driver’s seat.
I can tell that you are placing a lot of meaning on particular things he did or said. Suppose for a moment that the meaning you are imposing on his actions is not correct. For example, you say that he acts as if he never knew you and you draw the conclusion that you are disposable. Do you see how linking his action (acting like he never knew you) to some interpretation (your relationship wasn’t important, you are disposable) feels? The truth is, you have no idea why he did the things he did, even if the reason seems obvious. His actions, like everyone’s actions, are 99% due to what’s going on within him and have very little to do with outside circumstances, something about you, or something about your relationship. If you can accept that you just don’t know why he acted the way he did and catch yourself when you begin to draw conclusions from his behavior, you will experience much less pain.
Look at the stories you are telling to explain his behavior and ask yourself, “Can I absolutely know this is true?” I think you’ll find that you can’t usually know for sure what he is/was thinking or what drove him to act in any particular way. Your theories may sound reasonable to you (and it’s natural to derive theories to explain confusing events) but they are not helping you move on at all. In fact, they are keeping you stuck.
Do whatever you can to remember the confident, secure person you used to be. You may even role play and act the way she would act or think the way she would think. Over time those patterns will become more and more familiar to you and the way you used to be will become your new default. When you think about your ex and begin to feel sad or less confident, immediately monitor the thoughts you are having and ask yourself if they are true. If you find that they aren’t necessarily true or that you can’t know for sure, chose to focus on a thought or interpretation that feels better and that fits with the person you want to re-become. It takes a little practice but you can absolutely turn your thinking around.
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Dr Amy is a psychologist and certified life coach who helps clients via relationship coaching. Ask Amy for dating tips and relationship advice.
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