Q: Dear Amy, I have been too busy with my life, focusing on my career and raising kids as a single mother to have time for finding a significant other in my life. I feel like I have lost touch with that part of my life. I now want to make room for a significant other now that my kids are grown up and I have more time for myself.

But, I feel that a part of me is holding me back maybe because it has been a while since I have met someone. Please advice. - Irene

Amy: Dear Irene, dating is just like anything--the more you do it, the better at it you get. You're just a little out of practice. Take it slow, meaning don't schedule 4 dates for next week. It may help to get to know just one person at a time and explain to that person upfront that it's been a while since you've been in the dating world and you really want to ease in to it. Finding someone who wants to see you four or five days a week from the beginning is enough to make you abandon it altogether, so make sure the people you date understand where you're coming from and are okay with moving at a speed you are comfortable with.

You say that part of you is holding back...I'd like you to make a list of all the reasons you either shouldn't date, or fears you have about dating again. When you have that list, go item by item and ask yourself, "Is this true?" "Can I know for sure that this is true?" If you need to, provide evidence for why the fear is not true. For example, if one of your fears is that you will waste your time dating the wrong person because you haven't dated in a while, ask yourself, "Can I know for sure that this is true?" If you think about it, I suspect you'll find that it could be true, but it could just as easily be totally false. Fears are basically just stories that our brain makes up, usually based on very little or very skewed "evidence". I tell my clients that F.E.A.R. stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. You can also come up with some evidence to support why your fears may not be true. In this case, you might think, "I am usually a very good judge of character", or "Even when I did date regularly I could usually tell if someone was the wrong person for me". There may be a lot of evidence--all of that helps the fear dissolve away. (By the way, you can use this method with fears about anything, not just dating!)

I don't know if this is the case for you, but often times single mothers who haven't dated for a while worry about how their kids will react, or how men will react to their children. Give this some thought before you jump in. Do you want to introduce your kids to your dates? If so, how soon? How will you approach the subject with your kids? What concerns might they have and how can you address those? What is important for your dates to know about your children, lifestyle, priorities, etc.? Going into your first dates with many of these issues thought through will ease a lot of anxiety and help you focus on the moment. Good luck!

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