Going from friendship to a relationship
Q: Dear Amy, I met this girl from a dating site and exchanged several emails and phone calls with her. Although we shared a lot in common and really enjoy each others' company initially, when she asked me if I want to take this relationship a bit further I told her "no" because back then I was just not physically attracted to her. She has been cool with that and we continue to go out and enjoy each others' company whenever we have chance. Lately, for some reason, (perhaps we spent too much time with each other) I am starting to have romantic feelings for her but I just don't know how to tell her. Please advice. - Tony
Amy: Dear Tony, If you are confident about your feelings and sure you want to begin a relationship with her, you might tell her that over your time together as friends you've realized that you like her on a deeper level and you'd like to know if she would still be interested in dating.
I would then ask her what her feelings are toward you now. Just because she had romantic feelings at one point doesn't mean she still does. Your time together as friends may have made her realize that the two of you are better as friends. Make sure you show her respect by not assuming that her feelings are the same as they were.
Another thing to keep in mind is that she may be in self-protective mode. She may have felt rejected when you initially turned down her offer to take things further, so she could be feeling overly cautious about your new revelation. It might take her a while to open up to the idea of a switch from friend mode back into relationship mode with you. If she doesn't react as excitedly as you would like, this could be why. Don't necessarily take that as a sign that you can't have a great relationship--it's just that you’re not starting from scratch anymore, so it may be a little more complicated.
All that aside, my guess is that if she was interested in dating you at one point, she probably still is. As long as you are respectful of the fact that you turned her down before, and you let her dictate the transition from friends to lovers, everything should be fine. I hope it works out!
Amy: Dear Tony, If you are confident about your feelings and sure you want to begin a relationship with her, you might tell her that over your time together as friends you've realized that you like her on a deeper level and you'd like to know if she would still be interested in dating.
I would then ask her what her feelings are toward you now. Just because she had romantic feelings at one point doesn't mean she still does. Your time together as friends may have made her realize that the two of you are better as friends. Make sure you show her respect by not assuming that her feelings are the same as they were.
Another thing to keep in mind is that she may be in self-protective mode. She may have felt rejected when you initially turned down her offer to take things further, so she could be feeling overly cautious about your new revelation. It might take her a while to open up to the idea of a switch from friend mode back into relationship mode with you. If she doesn't react as excitedly as you would like, this could be why. Don't necessarily take that as a sign that you can't have a great relationship--it's just that you’re not starting from scratch anymore, so it may be a little more complicated.
All that aside, my guess is that if she was interested in dating you at one point, she probably still is. As long as you are respectful of the fact that you turned her down before, and you let her dictate the transition from friends to lovers, everything should be fine. I hope it works out!
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Dr Amy is a psychologist and certified life coach who helps clients via relationship coaching. Ask Amy for dating tips and relationship advice.
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Jul 2, 2009 12:18 PM PDT
As for advice, I really got nothing. Be honest with yourself first, then if you truely have feelings for her talk to her about it. worst case scenario is you're still friends.