Q: I've just broken up with my boyfriend. I don't know what's happening: he's flirting with my friend now. I still feel something for him, and I'm just jealous. Imagining that he really likes her and her appearance is absolutely devastating for me. She likes him (and his appearance) a lot. I think it isn't ok to break up with someone and start hooking up on that person's friend. What am I supposed to do?

Amy: Dear Anonymous, I can understand your confusion and hurt seeing your ex-boyfriend flirt with your friend, but I’m not sure that there is anything you are “supposed to do”. The two of you are broken up, so your influence over him and his behavior is over. You have to let him do what he’s going to do at this point, whether you think it’s okay or not. As for your relationship with your friend—that’s a place you may have a little more to say. Depending on how badly her behavior bothers you, you may have to choose whether she is someone you can still see yourself being friends with. This isn’t a decision someone can help you with. You have to make your decision based on what feels right to you, and nothing else. If it doesn’t feel good to be friends with her right now, just take a break.

You say that imagining that your ex really likes your friend is devastating. Might I suggest you don’t imagine that, then? I know it sounds simplistic, but we really do have a lot more control over our reactions and emotions than we give ourselves credit for. If thinking about something causes pain, decide to not divulge in those thoughts. That doesn’t mean that the thoughts will never come up. In fact, the harder you try to suppress them the more they will flood into your consciousness. So instead of trying to suppress them, just accept the thoughts as they come and then let them go. You don’t have to believe them. You also don’t have to conjure them up on your own and make things worse than they are.

Recognize that much of your devastation is over something that you are making up. It sounds like the facts of the situation are that your ex is flirting with your friend. But you say you imagine that he really likes her. Flirting and really liking are two very different things. You are seeing him flirt and spinning an elaborate story about that meaning that he really likes her. Your story and the added, imaginary details are what are causing the majority of your pain, not the objective circumstance that he is flirting.

Try to separate the facts from your story. Also remind yourself that you are broken up now, and he is just doing what guys do. It means nothing at all about you or your relationship. He is a single guy who is flirting, that’s it. Single guys flirt, so he’s actually doing exactly what he’s supposed to do. Decide to let go of your rules for how he should act, since you can’t control his behavior anyway. I know it’s still not pleasant to see, but if you can try to see things in that light rather than seeing this as a meaningful love affair that the two of them are starting, you’ll feel much better.

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