Q: Hi Dr. Amy, My bf broke up w/ me and told me he didn't know what he wanted and if I should wait. Well I started talking to another guy and me and my ex are still close so I told him about it and he was really mad. He wouldn't talk to me for three days and on the third day he wrote me a four page letter explaining how he felt about me and that he was looking forward to being w/ me again. So of course I stopped talking to the other guy and I thought we were back to normal. He's been telling me he loves me and he speaks of marriage sometimes but a couple of days ago I noticed he was not being affectionate again and he keeps acting like he can't trust me. Out of the blue he brings up the other guy and he keeps saying he doesn't know about us because I need to prove that I can be loyal but I'm confused because were not even together and he's acting like I cheated. He goes back and forth with me. One day its I love you and I can't live without you and the next its I don't know because you talk to other guys (which is a lie, it was only one and I cut him off as soon as my ex said it bothered him). I guess my questions are what should I do in this situation because I do want to be with him but he's sending me mixed messages and what does his behavior mean? - Sharece

Amy: Dear Sharece, It sounds like your ex boyfriend wants the best of both worlds…he doesn’t want to commit to you again but he also doesn’t want you to see other people. He may be genuinely upset to see you with someone else (I think that’s very natural) but he’s being pretty manipulative by making you feel guilty for dating someone else after he broke things off with you.

Is your ex giving you any indication that he plans on committing to you again? Is there something he is waiting for, or something he wants to do in your time apart before he’ll feel ready to get back together? Is he dating other people at all? I would have a serious talk about all of these questions if you haven’t already. My gut instinct is that he is being pretty unfair, wanting you to wait for him on his terms. But perhaps you have a lot more insight into why he broke up in the first place and what his intentions are for getting back together.

Having no emotional involvement in your relationship, it’s easy for me to say that if your ex doesn’t want a commitment with you, he doesn’t get to dictate how you spend your time apart.

Just explaining this to him in a conversation might help him understand that you aren’t about to wait around forever, especially under his unfair conditions. If you’ve had this conversation already and he isn’t getting it, then it’s time for you to make a choice. Is it worth sacrificing your own independence and what feels right to you in order to keep him happy so that he MIGHT take you back some day? Can you do that, waiting for him, and still respect him enough to even want a relationship with him again? These are questions you have to ask and answer for yourself. You might explain to him that being told what to do and being made to feel guilty for living your own life aren’t very attractive qualities in him. You could explain that his actions are only making you respect him less and less (not to mention the respect for yourself you need to maintain). But this has to be your decision, given that you do have an emotional involvement and you ultimately want him back. I think it’s going to come down to just how much you are willing to put up with before you either lose interest in his manipulation or decide for yourself that it’s just not worth the trouble and it’s time to move on.

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