Q: I meet my ex- girlfriend (let's call her D) 2 years ago. We dated for 10 months and have even talked about living together. Then we broke up because of issues she was having with her youngest daughter. She was very depressed and we both agreed she needed professional counseling. We decided to call off the relationship so she could concentrate on her children. We kept in touch and agreed to be friends. Now here is my problem. I have meet another lady and we have been dating for 6 months. After all this time apart, the occasional visit and phone calls, D wants to get back together after this amount of time. I believe that I love her, but I also care very much for my current girlfriend. I told D I am involved with someone new and she began to cry. I am torn, for I also was very close to D's children. D tells me she wants me to be happy and if need be she will wait. Another factor involved is the distance we now live apart. D lives 2 hours away. I had plans to move there before we split, in fact I had found a job, that I later turned down. I believe that the job is not the issue and I am an engineer. I just don't want to hurt my current girlfriend. Can I get some advice? - Robert

Amy: Dear Robert, This is a difficult situation for me to advise on because the answer really has to come from you. You don’t pose a lot of specific questions except to say that you have feelings for both women. Which do you see yourself with long term? When you imagine your life with each woman 10 years in the future, which feels better or more natural? When you do this, try to leave your intellect and rational thought out of it…just visualize being with each woman in the future and pay attention to how each scenario feels in your body. Does it feel light and free, or do you feel weighed down, anxious, or uneasy?

In making your decision, make sure you do what is best for you and not what you think is best for each woman or her children. You really can’t know what’s best for them and it’s not your responsibility to try to find out—your sole responsibility is to yourself and your own happiness. Question any thoughts that may come up about what you “should” do or about hurting anyone. It may sound harsh, but you really can’t spare anyone’s feelings entirely. The best you can do is be honest about how you feel and do what you feel is right. I can tell that you care a lot about both women and will be as kind as you can toward them.

If you do decide to go back to D, make sure that things are cleared up with her daughter and that getting back together won’t cause any problems there. As far as the distance is concerned, I wouldn’t worry. If you found a job there before I’m sure you can again.

Finally, don’t feel like you need to be with one of these women right away. If it feels good to you to take a break from both while you sort out your feelings, by all means do that. Good luck!

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