Q: Hi Amy, do you think it's possible to find your true soul mate or do people "make" others their soul mates? Settle, if you will. Thank you for letting me ask you a question. - GloGurL

Amy: Dear GloGurl, Very interesting question! How would you define a soul mate? Everyone probably has a slightly different definition, but I think of a soul mate as someone who helps us to grow in the ways we most want or need to grow. That is, a mate who helps our soul evolve. In my definition, a soul mate is not only a romantic partner-I believe that my parents, siblings, and many of my friends are soul mates. In a magical sort of way, I actually do believe that these people were put on earth to help me grow, and I to help them. The more difficult or complex our relationship, the more true I think this is. Of course it could just be a random coincidence rather than the evolution of your soul in a particular way-I obviously don't know the answer-but random coincidence just doesn't feel as true to me, personally.

I also don't think that people have just one soul mate. Think back to your first love-looking back, didn't you learn a ton from this person exactly when you most needed to learn it? They most certainly shaped your life and they may have been your soul mate at that time. The way the popular media and Hollywood talk about soul mates implies that we have just one for our entire lives. Maybe we have many. Whether they are soul mates or not, I believe that every relationship teaches us important lessons.

If you have a strong attraction to someone, especially if you can't explain it logically, I think there is a reason for that. It may be pheromones, hormones, common interests, or because they are your soul mate, but I do believe that it's something that should not be ignored (unless of course they have no attraction to you, then you may have to move along and chalk it up to pheromones!). Harville Hendrix is a psychologist and relationship counselor who has an interesting theory about why we're attracted to the people we are attracted to. He basically says that we are attracted to people who have the negative qualities of our parents, especially our opposite sex parent. We subconsciously use that romantic relationship to heal the unconscious wounds of our childhood. So if your father was distant and difficult to talk to, you may be attracted to a wonderful man who has those same tendencies. This way, you can heal your childhood wounds through the romantic relationship. I bring this up because, well, I think it's just really interesting, and also because it speaks to your question a little. If Hendrix's theory is true, is it a coincidence that we find people who just happen to have the negative traits of our parents? Or are they our soul mates? I'm sure a lot of people in the world have some variation of my father's negative traits...does that mean any of them could potentially be a soul mate if they are helping me to work through those childhood issues?

As far as making our own soul mates...I definitely don't believe its something that can be forced. With the right combination of mutual attraction and willingness to work at a relationship, I think many people could become compatible and live together in harmony. But would compatibility and living together in harmony be considered a soul mate? I'm not so sure. Comfort in a relationship doesn't seem the same to me as a true growth experience. In fact, growth is often uncomfortable and can come via conflict as easily as it can come through concord. So although I think two people can work on and achieve a healthy, comfortable relationship, I wouldn't necessarily consider them soul mates if they aren't helping each other to evolve and grow.

This is a really interesting topic and I'd love to hear what other readers think. Please share your thoughts on the blog and let's continue the discussion!

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