Q: Dear Amy, My ex and I have been together for 3 years, and we have a one year old son together. For the most part our relationship was fine until she told me something that she wasn't honest about some things that hurt me. After finding out I held a grudge and drove our relationship into the ground. I then broke up with her because I felt that I was tearing our relationship apart and needed time to get myself together. I remained uninvolved during the break-up and attempted to get over my grudge. She initially wanted to get back together and get married. Now that I have let it go for good I want her, my son and I to be a family again, but I feel it might be to late because she is seeing someone else and said she doesn't want to be in a relationship. What should I do. Please help?

Amy: Dear Anonymous, I don't know if it's too late, it might be, or it might just take your ex some time to get her head around the idea of the two you being together again if that's something she had given up on. It sounds like its going to be her call, so the best approach for you is to think about how you can support her while she decides what she wants.

Have you had a chance to really sit down and talk about what you want in a relationship? Have you been able to tell her that you are completely over your grudge and apologize for your role in that? If you haven't already, make sure she understands that although you may not have handled her dishonesty in the best way, that's the only way you knew to deal with it and you have taken steps to move past it. Most of all, listen to her and really try to hear her concerns. If she has concerns about things working between the two of you again, that may be something you can help her with. If she has more vague reasons like, "I just don't have the same feelings anymore", there is much less you can do.

Overall, make sure she knows how sorry you are for your role in what happened and how committed you are to being in a relationship again, but don't push. Once she knows those things, tell her you will back off for a while and let her make her decision. She needs to know how serious you are, but she definitely doesn't need to feel pressure, that will just backfire on you. Try to give her as much time and space as she needs.

I would also try to keep the conversation about you and her, without bringing your son into it. I can't tell you how often I hear that people are trying to get back together for their child or so that they can be a family. The two of you will always be a family with your son, that's not the issue here. The issue is 100% about you and her being in a committed, romantic relationship. Make sure you would both want to be together even if you didn't have your son. If that's true, the relationship is based on a solid foundation and has a much greater chance of long term survival than if you are trying too hard for the wrong reasons.

No matter what happens, try not to have regret or beat yourself for reacting the way you did to her dishonesty. You obviously felt like you needed that time to yourself to sort things out. I'm sure you learned a lot about the best way to deal with your own feelings that you can carry forward into this or other future relationships. Good luck! I hope it works out for you two.

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