Q: Dear Dr Amy, My boyfriend and I broke up at the end of July. We had been together for four years. He stated seeing a girl while we were still together and broke up with me for her. He kept telling me he wanted me and us again and that he needed time to get ready for us. I would cry and beg him to leave her and come back to me and I know I shouldn't have done that but I love him so very much! I just know he is the one and don't want to give up! I am 26 years old and know in my heart he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with! He was my best friend and soul-mate and I want him back. Is there any advice that you can give me on what to do? I would love to know how to make him want me again and do you think because he is with her he has forgotten me or what we had? Does she mean more to him than me? Any help would mean a great deal mam! Thank you!

Amy: Dear Anonymous, Unfortunately, there isn’t anything I can tell you to do to make him want you again. Who we want is almost exclusively about us, and just a little about them, so regardless of what you do, who he wants to be with has to do with how he’s thinking and feeling and not what you’re doing. Think about it—have you ever been successful at really changing someone’s mind or “making” them think or feel differently? It’s very unlikely.

That doesn’t mean all hope is lost, it just means that it will hurt you much more in the meantime if you’re trying to get him to change instead of accepting where he is right now. It often feels more empowering to have a plan and be taking action, whether that’s planning on how to get him back or taking action in terms of trying to figure out what he’s thinking. But true freedom always comes from accepting reality and moving on from there. The fact of the matter is, he is choosing to be with someone else right now. That absolutely does not mean that he loves her or that he has forgotten you or what you had. It just means exactly what it is—that he wants to be with her in this moment. Try to accept just that. The past is over and this doesn’t change the past, and you have no idea what the future holds. All you know is that today, he is with her. That’s a good place to start when it comes to accepting reality.

It’s great that the two of you had such a wonderful relationship for so long. All relationships evolve; those that last forever and those that don’t. I believe that they always evolve in a way that allows both people to grow as individuals. Can you see this as a natural evolution of your relationship rather than the end?

I have a hunch that your definitions of him being your best friend and your soul mate are contributing to your pain. Just because he was your best friend doesn’t mean that you are meant to spend your entire lives together, right? Believing that you have one perfect soul mate is another dangerous concept. If it’s true that we all have a soul mate, don’t you think yours would be someone who feels the same way about you that you feel about them? I personally don’t believe we have one soul mate, but if we do, I don’t see how yours could possibly be someone who changed his number on you. That just isn’t consistent with what a soul mate is supposed to be. And if you do truly believe that you are meant to be together, maybe you still will be. This new relationship could be something temporary that he needs to do for himself, and maybe he’ll come back to you someday. Even if that’s true, the best thing you can do right now is to let him do what he needs to do and do your best to accept it. There are amazing lessons for you in this.

I know this is hard to hear at this point, but things will get better. The best you can do is just take it day by day, trying to do whatever it is in your everyday life that brings you some peace. Maybe that’s taking a nap right now. That’s fine—in a few weeks, it’ll be something else. Spend time with friends—not rehashing your troubles, but doing things that take your mind off this relationship. Just take care of yourself and let him do what he’s going to do. There really is nothing more you can do.

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