Q: I recently broke up with my girlfriend because I felt we needed a break from each other. Now i want her back. How should I go about getting her back?

Amy: Dear Anonymous, Before you come up with your strategy to get her back, I'd like to see you spend some time really evaluating why you felt you needed a break from each other and what's different now to make you no longer feel that way. Recall the thoughts and feelings you had as you were making the choice to end the relationship. Are all of the concerns you had at the time resolved? How did they get resolved? Can you be reasonably sure that these concerns won't pop up again in the future? How do you want your relationship to be different moving forward to be sure that these issues don't come back? Not knowing the specifics of your situation, I'll have to rely on you to coach yourself using these questions as your guide.

You should also take a close look at the thoughts and feelings that have been making you want her back. As a general rule, you should want her back because of her and not because of you. In other words, your reasons for wanting back in the relationship should be about missing her and realizing that she is the one for you, rather than that you don't enjoy being single as much as you thought you might or that you can't stand to see her dating other people. There are likely a lot of emotions around the break up and being apart that could potentially cloud your judgment about wanting to resume the relationship. The key is to try to see through those as much as possible before making any big moves.

Okay, so once you know that you want her back for the right reasons and you've thought about how to avoid repeating old patterns, you'll have some explaining to do. Since you were the one to end things, you owe her an explanation of what has transpired in your time apart to make you change your mind. Tell her why you want to be back together in as much detail as you can. If there is some jealousy involved (e.g., you can't bear to see her dating other guys) or some loneliness (e.g., you weren't prepared for being alone), tell her that too. She deserves to know the whole truth so that she can base her decision on everything available. She may have some tough questions for you. As the one who ended things and now the one pursuing her again, you also owe it to her to answer her questions as best you can. After you plead your case, you're basically at her mercy. You've both been through a lot emotionally. Try to remember that she's been through as much as you, if not more because the decision to end things was yours. Be respectful of her feelings and any concerns or worries she might have.

Be prepared for her to hesitate or need time to consider your offer. Even though she may not have wanted the time apart, it may have turned into a good thing for her. Even if she hasn't moved on completely, she's probably had some glimpses of how her life could be without you. She may also be afraid of being hurt again. I don't mean to discourage you at all, but you should prepare yourself for these possibilities, just in case.

If the two of you do end up back together, there are some common pitfalls to be aware of. The first is dealing with the issue of what each of you did in your time apart. I'm sure a lot of people remember the famous Friends episode where Ross and Rachel were "on a break". Ross hooked up with someone else and Rachel felt cheated on and betrayed when they reunited. Things done "on a break" are not easily forgotten or simply overlooked when two people get back together. Although it may seem like a good idea to omit certain pieces of information, it is important to start off your Relationship Version 2.0 with honesty (that doesn’t necessarily mean details, but if one or both of you were with other people it should be talked about in as much detail as you're both comfortable with). Discuss what you need to discuss as honestly as possible and rebuild from there.

The second common pitfall is expecting things to be exactly as they were before you broke up. Granted, you won't have to re-learn her middle name or her favorite food, but getting back together is a little like starting off new. This can be a very good thing. After some time apart, it can be fun to feel butterflies again and go out of your way for each other like you did early on. Try not to go right back to your old routines of watching American Idol and going to bed early, take her out on dates and romance her for a while, just like in the beginning of your relationship when you were trying to win her over.

Getting back together can feel like a series of obstacles, but a lot of people do it and go on to even stronger relationships. As long as you've given a lot of thought to your reasons, you can be completely honest with her about how you feel and how you'd like your new relationship to be different, and she agrees and is willing to work at it, you have a great chance of things working out for you. Good luck!

Related Blogs (automatically generated)
How should I get my ex-boyfriend back?
How can I stop being jealous of his ex-girlfriend
Ex-girlfriend wants to get back together