Q: Dear Amy, My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says she cannot trust me. I was in a relationship before i met her and when that ended we decided to stay friends. My girlfriend was never comfortable with this idea even though we both had moved on. So i stopped talking to my ex completely though she used to call me up once in a while and if ever ended up picking the call it used to end up in a fight. I had been dating her for about a year now and she was really loving and caring except for this one issue. I completely love her and can't think of any other person. Well a couple of weeks earlier we had a fight over this and she expressed that she can not trust me anymore cause she thinks i am still involved with my ex, which is absolutely not true. Things ended up being bitter and now she does not even return my calls we were supposed to get married in a couple of months and everything about her seemed so perfect but now everything seems so futile.

I cannot stop thinking about her i have told her a thousand times that the only person I love and care about is her. But she says she just cant trust me and even wrote a mail to my ex threatening that she would expose to her boyfriend that me and her are having a clandestine affair. I don't know why she is doing this but i cannot stop loving I feel broken down and depressed she has canceled the marriage plans and would not even return my calls. What should i do? Waiting in anticipation. - Himadri

Amy: Dear Himadri, I’m sorry for what you are going through. I must say, it strikes me as pretty odd that your girlfriend would call off your wedding because of the issue as you describe it. It sounds like one of two things may be going on (and I’m sure you have a better sense than I do which it may be). First, if her sole issue really is you occasionally talking to your ex, and you really only do talk to her very occasionally when she calls you, it sounds like your girlfriend has some personal jealousy issues that are being transferred onto this situation. Does she have any reason at all to not trust you, aside from this situation? Has she been cheated on before, or did she grow up in a situation where she couldn’t trust people? If any of these are the case, your behavior may be more of a surface issue than the real issue. If she wants a healthy relationship, she will need to work through the real, underlying issues first. The best you could do in that situation is support her, if she allows you to, while she works on her own ability to trust.

Second, is there any possibility that she was unhappy for other reasons and is using this as the justification for ending things? Again, if the calls with your ex were really that infrequent and were not initiated by you, and your girlfriend was serious enough about your relationship to be planning marriage, maybe there were other things going on behind the scenes? This sounds less likely because of the mail she sent your ex, but it could be playing a part.

Let me ask you this: why didn’t you completely put an end to the friendship with your ex when you knew it bothered your girlfriend so much? Maybe she viewed your refusal to let your ex go as evidence that you were still involved with her. I understand trying to be friends with an ex, but only if it doesn’t hurt anyone else. By the time you are engaged to be married, there should be absolutely no reason to not tell your ex that your friendship needs to end if that’s what your future wife wants. I don’t know the specifics and maybe it’s too late now, but it definitely seems like a move you could make now if you haven’t already. Your girlfriend may see this as too little, too late, but you can at least try and let her know that you will never talk to your ex again.

All of these may be moot points if your girlfriend is not returning your calls or if she isn’t willing to talk. If that’s the case, all you can do is give her a little space. I wouldn’t give up completely and I wouldn’t stop calling altogether, but allow her a little time to be alone if that’s what she wants. When you do leave her a message or write her a letter, tell her that you understand that she doesn’t trust you and take responsibility for your part in that. Acknowledge that you shouldn’t have continued the friendship as long as you did since you knew it bothered her and assure her that it’s now completely over. Offer to be there for her and help her work through any other concerns she has about your relationship. I know you feel a little helpless, but this about all you can do at this point. With a little time, she may feel ready to talk more and you can gain more insight into what, if anything, you can do to repair things. Good luck to you.

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