Q: Hi Amy, Me and my boyfriend hit it off really big when we first met through our friends. We still have fun together and we love each other and we also still have that gleam in our eyes every now and then. My question is, how do I know if its the real thing?

Amy: Dear Anonymous, That’s the million dollar question! There aren’t any fool proof rules or external things to look for to know whether a relationship is “the real thing”. I know this may be a frustrating answer, but I think that many times you “just know”. Often (but not always!), when people are consumed with figuring out whether a relationship is the real thing, it’s not. They are trying to justify something that just doesn’t feel right on some level.

To know whether a relationship—or anything in life—is right for you, always consult your body before your mind. Our bodies are a compass telling us if we’re headed in the right direction; the trick is learning how to read that compass. I recommend spending some time relaxing…take some deep breaths, let go of the tension in your body and then scan your body from your toes to your head tracking any sensations. Think about your relationship and note how your body feels. When you think about being with your boyfriend for life, do you notice any feelings in your gut, in your heart, or in your head? Do they feel positive, like excitement or contentment, or negative, like anxiety or sadness? Spend some time getting to know the sensations that occur in your body when you think about various things so that you are familiar with your own personal compass.

Of course the mind can be useful at times, but the mind likes to rationalize and rely on familiar theories and sets of beliefs that often go unchallenged. For example, if you hold a deep-rooted belief that the perfect guy looks, acts, or even smells a certain way, you’re going to have a really hard time overriding that belief even if it is completely untrue, irrelevant to your current situation, or hurtful. The mind forms strong associations between people and concepts that aren’t always beneficial. Think about the woman who grew up with an abusive father and later gets into abusive relationships with men. She logically knows that this isn’t good for her, but her concepts of father, protector, and abuse are so intertwined that she isn’t able to separate them. She feels comfortable and familiar with someone who matches her father on a subconscious mental level.

So, the best way to know whether something is truly good for you is to see how it feels in your body. You might visualize waking up with your boyfriend 30 years down the road and pay attention to how that feels in your body. Look out for mental justifications or rationalizations about why he is or isn’t right for you. Check lists of qualities don’t go very far in determining whether it’s right. The way you feel around him and when you think about him is a much better indicator. Again, often you just know. It’s a physical feeling, not a decision.

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