Q: Dear Amy, I am 20 years old and a junior in college. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 5 1/2 years. We began dating in high school and now go to the same college. We're both each others first serious relationship so we haven't ever been with other people. We never fight or argue except for the occasional disagreements but for the past 2 years we've been having this major problem and its getting worse. I guess for a guy their sexuality peak start about now and he's always really sexually charged. We've both agreed to not have sex until after marriage but he still likes to really fool around. But the problem is that I seem to have no sexual desires. Rarely do I ever feel in the mood and its causing him a lot of frustration. I've tried forcing myself hoping that eventually I would enjoy myself but I still don't ever want to when it comes up. I love him a lot, we've been talking about marriage in the next couple of years even but this is getting serious. I've even tried going to a counselor from school but her solution was that if I'm not ready we should just stop till I am but that lasted like a week because he was really irritating me and became even more frustrating. I don't know what to do, I don't want to break up with him for a reason like that. He's a great guy and we have a great relationship. Is there something wrong with me? Is there anything I can do to help save our relationship? I'm desperate. Any advice would be wonderful. Thanks. - Jordan

Amy: Dear Jordan, What happened 2 years ago when your sex drive decreased? What do you think the issue might be? If there are any factors that you think might be contributing, you’re probably right. You know so much better than anyone else what could be going on. Even if it’s something that seems minor or unlikely, if it comes to mind as a possible explanation it’s something you should explore. These could include changes in your relationship or changes in your own personal life that have nothing to do with your boyfriend.

The thing about issues like this is that they tend to become cyclical. After a while, it can be the worry about your sex drive or your expectations that you aren’t going to enjoy it that actually causes those outcomes to continue over and over. So, it’s possible that something shifted a couple years ago when the issue began, but what’s keeping it alive today is your worry and expectations about it. In addition to exploring what was going on for you when the issue began and looking at any current factors that you feel might be contributing, you might also see a doctor to see if something is going on hormonally.

I agree with your counselor that you shouldn’t necessarily do anything that doesn’t feel right, but that’s not exactly a solution. The fact is that a relationship is two people who, in your case, have very different sexual needs. For the relationship to work, it makes sense to do what you can to meet in the middle rather than tell him that he just needs to wait for you to feel ready. I’m all for you checking out all possible options, including your own self-exploration and working with a therapist or coach who understands your wishes and can help you sort through the emotional pieces of this, as well as talking to a medical doctor and making sure things are okay physically and hormonally.

Don’t worry. I know that’s easy for me to say, but you are very young and thing get “out of whack” all the time. If you do what you can to explore all your options and keep the lines of communication open between you and your boyfriend, there is no reason this needs to be the end of your relationship.

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