Q: Dear Amy, I'm in love with my ex. I know that I should get over him, but I truly feel like we are meant to end up together. We dated for almost 9 years beginning in high school. We lived together for the last 2.5 years. Recently, we separated for multiple reasons.

1) We both felt as though it had been long enough and that after almost 9 years, we should either get married or split. I was ready to get married, and he wasn't.
2) At the time that we decided to split, he said that he still loved me, but that he wanted to grow as an individual because we had become a single entity, etc.
3) We were entering different stages in our lives. He went to med school, and I entered the full time job market.

Because of the split, I didn't feel as though I could stay in the same city, so I moved as far as I could to get away from the memories and the pain. However, I would move back to him in a heartbeat. I am now in a new city with very few friends. He was my best friend, so now I have nobody to really talk to anymore - especially about my emotions. We are still friends and talk a couple of times a week because we share our pets, but it hurts so incredibly much to just hear his voice and know that we are no longer together. It's been months, and I don't want to get over him, but at the same time, I do because of the heartache - and even if I managed it, I wouldn't really know where to begin seeing as I've not had a 1st date since high school. I would love some sensible advice. Please.

Amy: Dear Anonymous, that's the thing about moving...you take yourself--and your problems--with you until you work through them. I don't know how long it's been since you broke up, but its obviously going to take some time. You will grieve this loss just like you would grieve a death. In fact, I just wrote a detailed response to another question on dealing with emotions after breakup. It would definitely help you as well. You'll want to go through the process of feeling your feelings and examining your thoughts related to this relationship, as described in that post.

You mentioned one limiting belief right away--that you are meant to end up together. Although it may feel true, it's a belief that's likely causing you a lot of pain. You can question the thoughts that don't serve you. I know it's sometimes hard to let go, but holding on to the belief that things should be different than they are is always painful. One of my favorite teachers, Byron Katie, says, "When you argue with reality you lose. But only 100% of the time". Can you think of three reasons why maybe you aren't meant to end up together? Can you see that maybe this relationship has run its course, at least for the time being? Can you see that you've learned some great lessons from each other and maybe its time for both of you to grow on your own? I believe that relationships never really end, they just change form to benefit both parties. It's like a play, and the two of you are moving into the next act. It may be too early in your grieving to be able to consider some of these questions. If so, that's okay. You can come back to them later and you will find peace in them when the time is right.

Another thing you said caught my attention. You say that you don't want to get over him. Why not? What would it mean if you did? I would give this question a lot of thought--this is part of a big limiting belief that's keeping you feeling the way you do. Sometimes we think that if we got over someone that would mean that the relationship wasn't that important, or that it would end all chance of being together in the future. Whatever your reason for not wanting to move on, examine it and question it's veracity. It's really hard to move on if part of you doesn't want to. And it's even harder to feel better if you don't begin to move on.

Regarding how to date...it'll come naturally. There isn't anything new to learn that you've missed out on in the last 9 years, you just have to ease your way back into it. People jump back into the dating world after long relationships all the time. Watch your thoughts and beliefs about this, too. Try not to let any fears or beliefs about dating be an excuse to keep holding on to your ex.

Take it slow and grieve your loss. It's a big change and it will take some time, but you will begin to feel better. There is no way you can't. By acknowledging your feelings, questioning your painful thoughts, and accepting the reality of the situation, you can only speed up the grieving process. But it'll happen eventually, even if you do nothing.

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