Q: Dr Amy, I am a 26 year old mixed race fellow. I have never had a girlfriend and always wanted to have a girlfriend. I grew up in a country where I could not find any girls I liked. I was scared of talking to girls and still don't know how to talk to girls, and my question is, will I ever have a girlfriend, later on get married? I do not want to remain a virgin for life. Thanks, Robert.

Amy: Dear Robert, You say that you don't know how to talk to girls; actually, the way anyone talks to girls is the same way they talk to guys. In your case, a set of thoughts and fears come up around girls (that don't come up around guys) that get in your way. In other words, you absolutely know how to talk to girls--you just need to first learn to quiet the thoughts that interfere.

Here is what I want you to do:

1. Make a list of all of your fears about girls. They are going to think you are weird, you'll never find one who likes you, they won't be attracted to you, etc. Whatever fears enter your mind, no matter how crazy they may seem, write them down. You may want to ask yourself, "What's the worst that can happen?" and write down everything that comes to mind.

2. Now look at each fear on your list. For each one, answer the following questions:

a) "Why would this be so bad?" This may sound like a strange question to ask, but try it out. For example, if your fear was, "I'll try to speak and won't make any sense", ask "what's so bad about that?" then answer that question. Maybe your answer is, "The girl will think I'm crazy"..."What's so bad about that?" Taking these questions down to their most basic level will help you understand what your real, underlying fear is. We are never just afraid of looking stupid, we are afraid that we will feel a certain way or we are afraid that looking stupid would mean something about us. Try to dig deep by asking the "why" question over and over until you get to the root of your fears.

b) "How would I behave if I didn't have this fear?" If you woke up tomorrow unable to feel any fear, how would you act toward girls? Think about how different that is from the way you act toward girls now. See a big difference? The difference between people who are successful at anything is that the successful people feel fear and act anyway. The unsuccessful people feel fear and let it stop them in their tracks. Both people feel fear. It's all about how you respond to it.

A lot of what our fears boil down to is emotion that we think we can't handle. So you may be afraid that if you talk to a girl and she doesn't like you, you'll feel shame, embarrassment, etc. and you won't be able to deal with those emotions. The way to deal with this is to learn to feel your emotions all the way through, in detail, and see that we always get through them. Emotions never destroy us, but resisting or avoiding emotions can. Once you see that you can handle any emotion and you come out fine on the other end, your fears literally melt away.

Homework: Do one scary thing today that involves talking to a girl. Remember that you will feel fear. That's okay, most people do--the key is whether you let it stop you from doing what you want or whether you move through it. Really feel your emotions as you do this. Magnify the fear, embarrassment, or whatever the emotion is and stick with it until it begins to fade (all emotions fade with time--they have a beginning, a middle, and an end. Stick with it until the end). Chances are, the event will go better than you expected. Even if you think it went horribly and you still feel some negative emotions afterward, feel them through and realize that they won't kill you. You will get through them. Repeat this process as much as possible until you become used to feeling fear and acting anyway. You never get courage before you take an action. Courage comes as a result of doing something, even though you’re scared.

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