Q: Dear Amy, I am a divorced single mom of 1. I haven't dated in 3 years by choice due to a traumatic breakup and legal battles that have taken a toll on me. In the past, when childless, I was able to quickly regain my confidence and date easy after a breakup, but now I am feeling a bit tense and afraid as I feel that after the last relationship I might have been "damaged" somehow, in addition I have just been diagnosed with Vitiligo that is affecting all soft tissues in my body (lips, nipples, genitals)...

I am scared to jump again in the dating pool, so I have started to workout regularly, and signed up for online dating where I seem to have a lot of success. You see, there are several men that I am interested in and for now, I'll keep it at that; just emailing. However 2 of them, whom I really like a lot, are already asking about meeting me and coming to my city. I am at odds at what to do, I don't feel totally ready for face to face meetings. I am good looking and fun, but I still feel something is off... could it be I am just out of practice? Would you please help me? Thanks, Unsure beauty

Amy: Dear Unsure Beauty, Your hesitation and uncertainty around dating sound completely reasonable and normal to me. Going through some painful episodes in your personal life and dealing with a disorder that shakes your confidence are big things that would make most people anxious about dating.

I think your approach is great. Working out and doing anything you can to build your confidence for yourself, then gradually meeting people online or in a safe, slow setting, is ideal. About meeting these new guys in person…I'd say that if you don't feel ready, wait until you do. Sure, you run the risk of moving too slowly and may get impatient and move on, but if you meet them before you're ready you could feel the need to back off and end things too. Either way, things may or may not work out but by waiting until you feel ready at least you are doing what feels right to you.

Having said that, you may want to think more about your fears about meeting these guys and evaluate if those fears are really valid and what you may be able to do to diminish them. For example, if you have a fear that they will be disappointed with your physical appearance, you might share more pictures or talk to them about your Vitiligo so that you can go into your first meeting feeling more comfortable. I would recommend that you make a list of the things you fear about dating. You can play out each of those fears in your mind and take an objective look at how likely they really are (hint: they are NEVER as likely as we imagine them to be). What would be the worst case scenario if that fear did come true? Why would that be so bad? When you really think about it, the worst case scenario is often that the relationship doesn't go any further. Is that really so bad? It can also help to talk about some of your fears with a friend or a coach who can offer a different perspective.

Don't be so hard on yourself for not being ready. Just take it at whatever pace feels comfortable for you and do what feels right each step of the way. If you continue to feel very stuck and afraid, write down some of those fears and do what you can to work through them. Good luck!

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