Q: Dear Amy, I've been dating my bf for about 18 months now. It's a long distance relationship - we go to schools about 4 hours away from each other. He's my first boyfriend and I'm his second "real" girlfriend - his last relationship lasted off and on for two years in high school, but he and his ex called it quits the summer after senior year. I see our relationship lasting a long time but I have a couple of concerns. First, because he's my first I've never had the chance to really date anyone else. I cheated on him once (he didn't find out and he still doesn't know) and it made me realize how much more I value him and how good he is to me. In a way, I think I cheated because I wanted to see what else was out there without losing him. That was more than 6 months ago - I haven't done anything like that since.

Second, I'm constantly jealous thinking of his past relationship. I don't know why - he doesn't do anything to indicate he still has any interest in his ex, but I get uncomfortable thinking about the experiences they had together and the things they have done physically (they haven't done nearly as much as we have, but it still pains me to even think about them making out during a movie). I keep tabs on her - google her, facebook her, and even ask my friend who goes to her school to find out what she is like. Some days I get moody and jealous just because I think of her and him together. That was years ago but it still bugs me. I don't want to be like this! - Tracey

Amy: Dear Tracey, Why do you think you are so jealous of his ex? I’d be really interested to hear your theory on it because very often, our own theory contains a lot of truth and insight. Ask yourself why you think you have this interest in her and see what you come up with.

I think it probably has a lot to do with the fact that this is your first relationship. You don’t have these kind of experiences with anyone else, yet he does….it’s easy to look at what the two of you have together and assume that he had that or something similar with her. But relationships are all very different from each other. There is no reason to believe that his relationship with her is anything at all like his relationship with you. I think it’s very common to be uncomfortable thinking about what the two of them did together, especially since he is the first and one of the only people you have been with. When you’re older and dating someone where you’ve both had lots of past experiences, you think much less about these things. But when everything is so new and experimental, it’s very natural to guard that newness and feel jealous of anyone who may have infringed on it.

My advice to you, obvious as it may seem, is to not think about the two of them making out if it bothers you. When you find your thoughts going there, or going to her in general, notice that and choose to bring your thoughts back to something else. It helps to have a replacement thought or image handy so that it’s always ready. Maybe there is some mantra or affirmation about your relationship that you could repeat when you find yourself thinking about her, or something more general like “the past has nothing to do with today”. Instead of trying to repress or resist the thoughts about her (which will only backfire and make you think about her even more!), be compassionate with yourself. Just notice that you are thinking about her again and choose to release the thought in favor of something better. Our mind is like a garden that constantly needs to be weeded. There is nothing to get angry about…just gently “weed” your mind of these thoughts when they pop up and you’ll find that not thinking about her becomes your new habit.

As far as the cheating episode, what’s past is past, especially if you feel like it made you appreciate your boyfriend more. The concern about not having experiences with other guys is a valid one though and it’s one of the reasons most first loves don’t last forever. I’m not sure how to tell you to get past that, if you even could. Try to take this relationship one day at a time, enjoying and learning from each other and seeing where things go with no agenda and not too much emphasis on what might happen in the future. If you continue to feel the need to experience other people, take that as a sign that that’s exactly what you should do. But take a break from your current relationship first.

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