Q: My gf wanted a break. She said she had too much going on with school and work and wasn't emotionally ready for a relationship. We have been dating for 3 months and things went quickly. Family dinners, sex, and such. She said she still has feelings and sees a future with me and wants me to wait until after the semester. I know she wants to be single (shes been seeing her friends and going out more) but wants me to hang around until shes ready.

I'm not cool with it and decided to break it off instead of being a doormat. She can't have her cake and eat it too! I realize mistakes I made by being too available and getting too consuming. I made her my life instead of making her part of my life and it was too much for her. I'm not a clingy person but my feelings for her let to that and I realize that now. Me and her are really good together but we just had our issues and her not being ready ready for a relationship made the normal relationship issues unbearable for her. Part of it was probably because I got a little boring being there all the time.

Since the breakup (a week ago) I have yet to contact her but she has either texted or called every day and even asked about my family and spoke with my cousin. I responded to her but kept the conversation short and sweet and let her know I need my space to get over her. Problem is I'm crazy about her and want her in life. I'm willing to better myself for her. How can I figure out if there's a chance to get her back or just move on? - Junior

Amy: Dear Junior, There may be a chance to get her back but not yet. She just told you a week ago that she wasn’t ready for a relationship. Even if she has called every day since, it’s only been a week—I doubt she suddenly feels ready and if she does, you need to question that.

Here’s the thing: she’s telling you she needs a break for a reason. Even if there were something you could do to get her back more quickly, you wouldn’t want to do that because then you find yourself in a relationship with someone who isn’t truly ready for it. If you want to be with her, you have to give her the time she needs and wait for her to come back on her terms. That’s your only shot at a healthy relationship. It sounds like you know the mistakes you made. Think about how you’re going to do things differently in the future, whether that’s with her or with someone else.

Of course you don’t have to wait around for her, but that’s up to you. If you feel like a doormat or you feel resentful because she’s “having her cake and eating it too”, then maybe it’s time to move on. At least move on for a while. You never know what might happen down the road, but if you aren’t really okay with waiting, don’t fake it. Date other people and keep the possibility open for getting back together with her in the future when she is ready.

Q: Dear Amy, My 37 year old boyfriend of 2 years recently asked me to move out of our apartment after living together for only 5 months. He was dealing with a ton of stress at work, financial uncertainty, and as he puts it, having to be responsible for me as well. I am a very independent person with a great job and good income and take care of myself just fine, so I am not sure why he felt this way. The last two weeks of our relationship he was going out a lot and saying he didn't feel comfortable coming home and that he just wants to be alone. We tried to talk about why he feels this way but he always replied with "I can't figure it out". About a week after the split we met up to talk. I told him I still love him and want to have a life with him. He suggested we go to dinner and talk some more. A week later we went to the dinner (Valentine's Day) and we had a great time. Its so clear we have love for each other, chemistry, and compatibility. he said the same but he also said that he knows its serious with me and he cant just date me or get back together based on a feeling, it has to be an informed decision and he thinks we should talk again in a few weeks. At the end of the date he hugged and kissed me and told me that he really does love me. I am heartbroken at the thought of losing him. I know he has a lot of problems with intimacy, guilt, and alcohol. He is going to therapy now and I am in therapy and Al-anon. Is there anything else that can be done? - Jen

Amy: Dear Jen, It sounds like the path you’re on now is excellent. I know it’s not the intimate relationship you had or want, but it really does sound like he wants to figure out his own issues before he jumps back into things. That’s good! If he were to run back to you too quickly it would likely be out of loneliness and you’d stand a much greater chance of him feeling the need to end things again down the road.

My advice is to continue with your individual therapy and continue to get together to see where things stand every couple of weeks. Keep the lines of communication open when you do talk, but take that time in between to work on yourselves individually. It sounds like the connection is still there—he just has some things to work through. Do yourself a huge favor and give him the space and encouragement he needs to get his intimacy and alcohol issues under control. Try to look at it as an investment in your future rather than a possibility of losing him altogether.

Q: Dear Amy, I've had an on-and-off relationship with my ex for over 10 years and we just broke up for the fifth time. We each acknowledge that we play the same role in each other's imaginations: the one who gets me, the one he dreams about. Our dynamic is nothing new to relationships. He has a hard time figuring out and communicating his feelings; I am a little more in touch and comfortable communicating mine. When problems arise (not often, actually), he needs space; I need to talk. He is plagued by what he calls a paralyzing doubt in this relationship and in other areas of his life; I'm more comfortable with doubt, more likely to get to work with an eye on the bright side. He looks to several self-help groups for support; I go it alone or see a therapist. So we are different (and always fail to make a plan to accommodate our differences). But we also deeply adore each other. Though I've pursued him too, it's usually he who approaches me to explore the relationship, professing new understandings of himself and a commitment to making it work. And...it's usually he who calls it off: he's just not sure about us and can't see why I get distraught when he withdraws to decide whether we're worth it. And of course he decides we are not: I am too upset and he doesn't feel the level of conviction he wants to. He disappears. Excruciating. I've used terms like "intermittent reinforcement" to decipher what happens...to no avail. How might I resist and understand this dynamic? Many thanks. - Marie

Amy: Dear Marie, I’m not sure what you want. Do you want to resist, or understand the dynamic? I would recommend resisting a sixth attempt at this relationship; as far as understanding it…it sounds like you already have a pretty good handle on how things play out and what your respective patterns are. I would imagine that you would after 10 years! I’m not sure that understanding anything will help you resist because resisting has nothing to do with the past and everything to do with the present and the future.

There are obviously things about this guy that you’re drawn to. You must have some beliefs about how things will be different and some visions of what your relationship could be in your mind to make you go back 5 times. But enough is enough, right? You know how this story ends. So, while you don’t need to better understand the past, you do need to think about what you want for your future. Do you want a healthy, stable relationship even if it’s not with this guy? Or do you want this guy and this relationship even with its ups and downs? Be honest with yourself about what you really want—either option is fine as long as you’re choosing it consciously rather than unconsciously replaying old patterns.

When you get to a place where you are ready for a solid relationship, I think you’ll be able to resist a sixth attempt at this one. In the meantime, you can look at your beliefs if you feel tempted to go back for more. When he comes back around, what stories do you tell yourself? If you’re thinking about how things will be different and how it seems like he’s changed, question those beliefs. Know that your mind is running habitual patterns and that’s all those thoughts are—habits, not “truth”. List the evidence against what you believe. For example, if you end up trying to convince yourself that things are different, consciously think of some reasons that things aren’t different. This is how you get around believing the thoughts that have steered you wrong so far. Write yourself a letter to yourself now, when you’re living the “down” of the ups and downs, that you can read later if you begin changing your mind. Remember that it’s always a conscious choice you’re making even when it feels like you’re being uncontrollably drawn back to him. Take a deep breath and make a choice instead of reverting back to old beliefs. It may be intermittent reinforcement, but you're not a rat; you have the ability to rise above your conditioning, especially now that you are aware of it.

Q: Dr. Johnson, My girlfriend just broke up with me after we dated for about a year. We actually went to High School together and reconnected on facebook about 8 years later. In that time she had gone through a really tough marriage and divorce and about 3 months ago one of his family members called her to tell her he was in trouble with the law again etc. She got involved with the situation and at the time I was very vocal that I didn't think that was healthy but she told me she'll always love him and still care about what happens to him and I should be more understanding.

About this time I moved with her encouragement about an hour away to pursue a great career opportunity. I was struggling with the change and will admit that I became really insecure with the situation with her ex-husband and stressed with my new job and there were several occasions where I didn't have energy to go out and I just wasn't fun anymore. We tried seeing other people but I couldn't and when I found out she was pursuing that I became even more insecure and I tried to push her to recommit to me.

We spent Christmas with her family but soon after that she told me she needed space and I just didn't listen. Eventually we had the "talk" and agreed to go our separate ways. We spoke about a week after that and I apologized for my behavior and she apologized for not being more open with how she felt. She told me she still loves/misses me but I think maybe just friends? Can this still work? - Joe

Amy: Dear Joe, It may still work someday, but it doesn’t sound like it can work right now. I would recommend the same thing I recommend to most people who talk about needing space: give her space and just try to be friends right now if she is open to it. With time and your support, she may realize that she wants to try again. Uncertainty can be difficult, but unfortunately that’s where you are.

A note about her ex-husband….if you do get back together, I think you need to let her handle her ex the way she sees fit. As hard as it may be to stay out of it, it’s really her issue to deal with.

Q: Dear Dr. Amy Johnson, I recently had a boyfriend for about over a year who I did truly love. We officially broke up last July, but until this day we still talk. I have a new boyfriend now, who I like but I just don't think is fit for me. I am considering breaking up with the new boyfriend, but was wondering what your thoughts are on going back to the old one. We can never seem to really leave each other alone, considering its been almost half a year and we aren't back together yet we still have strong feelings. I just cant seem to get the courage to break up with my current boyfriend either, though I think it its wrong to stay with him if I am not completely satisfied with our relationship. My previous boyfriend and I did have some problems, but he says that by the way we love each other we could make it through. My friends and family all tell me to "follow my heart," but I can seem to figure out exactly what that is. Your advice will greatly help :) - Kelly

Amy:Dear Kelly, I’m wondering why you and your ex broke up in July. Since you remained friends, I’m assuming there wasn’t infidelity or any kind of major betrayal. The reason for your break-up is the key thing to consider when you think about getting back together. Are those issues resolved? If not, do you know how to resolve them and are you both committed to doing so? Your ex-boyfriend says that you can “make it through” and that may be right, but I’d like to see you discuss some kind of plan for making it through before you try your relationship again. When you have those discussions and you know that things will be different, I don’t see any reason not to try again.

What are your reservations about trying again? You say you aren’t sure what following your heart would lead you to, so I’m wondering what’s holding you back from knowing that following your heart would lead you back to your ex. Is it just fear about breaking up with your current boyfriend? Here’s a good test for you: If you would definitely go back to your ex if your current boyfriend were not in the picture, I think that should tell you that the ex is a good idea. If you realize that you would still have reservations about the ex even if the current guy weren’t in the picture, then you may need to explore those reservations with your ex a little more closely.

You know that it’s time to end things with your current boyfriend. I know it’s not easy, but since you know it’s the right thing to do you’ll definitely feel better afterward. Just be as honest and kind as possible and keep in mind that you’re actually doing him a huge favor since you know he’s not the guy for you—you’re freeing him to find a girl who cares more about him. Good luck!