Q: Hi Amy, I am in relationship with a guy for last 3 yrs. I really want to break up as I feel smothered in this relationship, but have past unsuccessful attempts. the maximum time period was 2 mn and I again go back to him. Its a long distance relationship. I keep telling him repeatedly that I am never going to marry him but I am not able to date any one till I am in talking terms with him. He is a very persuasive guy. everyone around me just says that its I who have to be strong to break up this relationship else I will ruin my life. I feel that I need some support and constant encouragement to do this. Is there any help available in terms of support when you go through the loneliness period and prevent me from falling back to him. - Purnima

Amy: Dear Purnima, When someone tells me they feel smothered in a relationship yet they keep going back time and time again, there’s a lot more going on than can be addressed in a few paragraphs. The ultimate question is: What’s so bad about being alone? If you’d rather be with someone who smoothers you than be without him, you obviously have some issues with being alone.

I want you to look very carefully at the thoughts that come up during that “loneliness period” that makes you go back to the relationship. Loneliness is the emotion, but what are the actual thoughts? What are you telling yourself during this time? You are telling yourself something that makes you want to go back to him, something that makes your feeling of loneliness feel much worse than being in a bad relationship. Your first step to changing things is to identify those thoughts so that you know why you keep going back.

Once you understand what it is that scares you so much about being alone, you can deal with it. I recommend you talk to a friend or a coach or therapist about those fears if they feel too overwhelming to handle on your own. The most important thing to keep in mind is that those fears are most likely not true.

If you need support in the time right after you break up, try to find it in a friend or family member who will agree to be there for you. Tell that person up front that you keep falling into this pattern and you’d like them to remind you that you don’t want to be with this guy, even when you get lonely and feel like you want to go back. You might also write yourself a letter that you can read during that period. Write the letter now, during a time when you are confident that you don’t want to be with him so that in your lonely period you can read it to remind yourself of the bigger picture.

Q: Hi Dr Amy - My boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me 3 months ago. I am 24 and he is 27. 2 weeks later, he started sleeping with this girl he met at the gym. Now 2 months later, they are still hanging out and have become good friends. He and I still talk and see each other because we have mutual friends. He said he still wants to be friends, but I would use the term friends very loosely. For 2.5 years, we were best friends, confided in each other about everything and did everything together. While I have come a long way in the last 3 months, and have recently made the decision to let go and move on, I am confused. I feel like I have been dropped overnight and so easily replaced by this new girl. How could 2.5 years of love and friendship be so easily replaced? Did what we shared mean that little to him? - Amanda

Amy: Dear Amanda, You were not replaced, not even close. I know it feels that way, but being best friends and in a committed relationship with someone for 2 ½ years is not something that’s “replaced” with sleeping with someone from the gym. Instead, think of it this way: You and your boyfriend broke up, and then (separate, completely independent of the break up…) he started sleeping with a girl from the gym. Do you see the difference? More important, do you feel the difference? Notice how it feels to think, “I was replaced by her” and “We broke up and then he slept with someone else”. Both are possible interpretations of the same event, although the first adds in a lot of meaning that just isn’t there and brings with it a lot more pain.

The fact that your ex boyfriend decided to sleep with someone and then become friends with them says absolutely nothing about you or the relationship you had together. You’re linking the two in your mind, but I guarantee that if you asked him (or any number of men who have been in his situation), he would tell you the same. His wanting to sleep with someone new after 2 ½ years of monogamy isn’t about you at all. It means nothing about your relationship It’s about him and his desires in the moment, 100%.

Three months is not very long at all to grieve the loss of this relationship and the loss of your best friend. Of course you are going to still hurt and you aren’t going to be close friends right now. Give it some time. As you’ve seen over the past 3 months, it does get easier. Just keep this gym girl out of it. Grieve what you had because it’s what you had. This girl doesn’t have the power or ability to change what was between the two of you.

Q: Dear Dr. Amy, My boyfriend and I broke up a little over 2 mos ago after dating for 2.5 years. I am 24; he is 27. Towards the end of our relationship, we fought a lot, never about anything substantial, just bickering. One night during a fight, he said he couldn't do this anymore, that we need to break up. The initial couple of weeks, I was completely devastated, so hurt. I had asked him to try things again with me but his answer was always no, the fighting was too bad. I just kept thinking, how could he do this to me. The more time that passed, the more I realized what had gone wrong in our relationship. The last few mos that we were together, I was pushing him away. While he always accepted me for who I was, I was growing discontent. I had just moved to NYC and was meeting all these new people. I was constantly comparing him to the guys that my single friends were dating. And instead of appreciating him for all the wonderful things he would do for me, I'd want him to be more sophisticated. And I now realize that I made a huge mistake; that none of those materialistic things really matter. And all that does really matter, he always gave me. He was loving and unselfish, and it took this breakup for me to fully realize this, and what I had done was wrong. I still love him so much and all I want is a second chance to prove to him that I am learning. We are currently still friends, but I miss him so much and what we used to share. Please help me, I just don't know what to do. - Amanda

Amy: Dear Amanda, As I was reading your question I kept thinking, “Tell him this!” Have you? Have you told him exactly what you told me, how you now realize very clearly your role in the ending of your relationship? That’s really all you can do at this point. Be completely honest and open about how you were driving him away and how you now realize that you were wrong.

You may find it easier to do this in a letter than in person or on the phone. The format doesn’t matter; all that matters is that you tell him exactly what you told me (but in more detail). You’re going to feel a huge weight lifted to get this off your chest and have the opportunity to apologize regardless of his reaction.

After you tell him, there’s nothing to do but wait. I would tell him with no expectations of getting back together (although if that eventually happens, it’s a nice bonus). But tell him with the intention of being honest and relieving yourself of any guilt you might feel. Make sure he knows that you would love to get back together and that things would be different now that you realize what you were doing, but the final decision is his. No matter what happens you can be proud of yourself for realizing your role in things. This insight will help you in all your future relationships.

Q: Dear Amy, my boyfriend broke up with me in the summer after being with him for a really long time. I found out he was cheating on me-which I had a hunch he was-so I had no trust for him the last couple of years we were together. I felt very resentful towards him so we fought constantly. So when he broke up with me he said he never loved me and didn't want to "use" me anymore. I was shocked & tremendously hurt. I have been dating & it just doesn't seem to work out with anyone I meet. Now lately it seems like I can't meet anyone and the worst part is that my ex is in a long distance relationship with a successful older woman. I'm terribly hurt & I don't know why. My relationship with him was toxic-verbally abusive towards me, drinks a lot, etc. I have my masters, a really good career, & I'm considered very attractive, fun, & a good person. I'll go out with my friends and sometimes find myself on the verge of tears because I miss my ex. All of my friends tell me I shouldn't care what he's doing & I know I shouldn't care. I guess I feel doomed that I won't ever meet anyone & my ex is going to be happily married soon and is treating his new girlfriend with the love & respect he never gave me. What is wrong with me? Why can't I let it go just like my ex tossed me away like an empty paper cup? I feel like it's a race to get married before he does. I wish I would just get over it already & be happy for him, but I'm hurt & angry still. What can I do to get over this? Thanks. - Still Hurt

Amy: Dear Still Hurt, I’ve written quite a few responses about getting over a break up, all of which I think would benefit you to read. They each list specific questions to ask yourself and approaches to take to move through the pain of a break up.

In addition, I think you could definitely benefit from talking to a coach or therapist. The fact that he was verbally abusive and that he cheated and lied to you and you’re still this attached is not abnormal, but it’s not ideal either. With a coach, you could explore your feelings of deservedness and look at what you’re making this relationship mean to and about you. Although you feel as though you miss him and it’s about him, it’s really about you and how you feel about yourself given what’s happened. Keep that in mind as you are pining away for him. What you really miss is the way you felt about yourself in better times.

It’s interesting to me that you say the “worst part” is that your ex is dating someone else (and that she happens to be “successful”). Really? After being verbally abused, lied to, and cheated on, that’s the worst part? That, combined with the “race to get married” shows that you have a lot of very specific beliefs about yourself, your success, and what it means to be in a relationship or married that are keeping you stuck in your pain. These are beliefs you can challenge in order to free yourself of their imprisonment.

As a start, you might write down all the painful thoughts you are having about this relationship and what it means about you. Things like “I am unlovable”, “I should have been better”, etc. Ask yourself if those are really true and if it serves you to believe them. Those beliefs are causing your pain. What your ex did, said, or the status of his life now has almost nothing to do with you. People do and say things because of who they are, not because you caused him to behave a certain way. You’re making his actions mean a whole lot about you when the truth is, they just don’t. His actions are about him, not about you.

I hope this gives you somewhere to start in moving on. Time is on your side as well. It may feel like you’ve been miserable forever but things are getting better and will continue to get easier with time.

Q: I just ended things with my boyfriend of two months last night. I would say we are definitely still in the "honeymoon stage" of our relationship; we are infatuated with each other. He recently got a sports related concussion, it was a bad one. I was with him everyday after and took care of whatever he needed until he was able to do his daily routines again. It definitely brought us a lot closer. That was two weeks ago. Since then, things have been even better than before that time. Everyday has felt like we've gotten closer. This past Monday, we were hooking up and without going into details there was a situation I bled on him. I was emberassed but he was very understanding and told me not to worry about it. So I didn't and that was that. The few days after that I didn't see him as I was out of town. We would text and he was continually very short with me and didn't have much to say to me. He has never been this way with me before. Thursday night, I finally got him to talk about the situation with me. He told me what happened Monday night made him extremely turned off and he didn't know how else to explain it to me. Yesterday, we talked about it again, over text messaging. Not ideal. He told me that "the only problem he has right now is that he is not physically attracted to me anymore and he feels that its hard to have a relationship without it". We didn't talk much about it I just told him we can't be together then. I still feel sad/confused...advice? Thoughts? - Allie

Amy: Dear Allie, Something here just doesn’t add up. Do you agree? Although I don’t really know what happened to make him say he is no longer attracted to you, does it feel valid and truthful to you? Based on the little information you provided, it sounds to me like maybe he wanted out of this relationship for some other reasons and he’s using this as an excuse. You have a much better idea of whether this is likely the case than I do.

Either way, if he is turned off enough by whatever happened to say that he’s not at all physically attracted to you, you’re right to end the relationship. You can’t have a relationship with no physical attraction. I know it’s difficult to hear, but it sounds like maybe things were not as strong as you thought they were. If it was so easy for him to go from being attracted to you to being completely unattracted to you, something was missing before this incident occurred. On the positive side, it’s better to find this out after 2 months than after 2 years.
,br>Rest assured that you did the right thing by ending it. You didn’t have much choice, given his sudden change of heart. Also, know that his change of heart is likely due to something going on within him and is not solely due to anything that happened or anything about you.