Q: Hi Dr Amy, My girl friend broke up with me last week. We dated for 3years. The reason for break up was that she has doubt if she wants to be with me. She is from South America and she missed her country and culture so she was sad for while and that is one reason for break up too. But we still talk on the phone and even went on a movie date after the break up like friends. I miss her so much and I want to get her back. Can you give me some tips on this? Thank you - Martin

Amy: Dear Anonymous, I’m sorry, I know that what you’re going through is very hard for you. It’s difficult to give you tips on how to get her back because it sounds like she has some real reasons for wanting to end things. You say she has doubts about whether she wants to be with you. Do you know more about this? This makes a big difference—if her doubts are about something you can help with, you may be able to work on things and make changes that she would be happy with. But if her doubts are about something you have no control over, you may need to just accept the way she feels and admit that it may be over.

Her homesickness sounds like a potentially big issue that you also can’t do much about. If she isn’t happy here or is considering going back to South America, hopefully she’ll do what she can to make herself happy again. You may be able to help, but only if she asks for your help.

I think the best you can do is to maintain your friendship and get to know as much as you can about what’s causing her to doubt your relationship. Respect her wishes for distance by not trying to get back together, but always be listening for any ways you may be able to support her through whatever she is going through. By being a good friend and showing her that she can count on you, you stand the best chance of her changing her mind. Even if she doesn’t change her mind, remember that things like this usually work out for the best in the end and you can rest assured knowing that you were a good friend to her when she needed it. Good luck.

Q: Hi Amy, I was dating a guy for 1 month and he was so into me-always texting me, wanting to see me, etc. I had just gotten out of a bad long-term relationship and was still feeling the emotions of going through a break-up. I got into a car accident & this guy wanted to pick me up & drive me to work, cooked dinner for me, etc. The nite he cooked me dinner I freaked out a little & said I wanted to slow things down because I just got out of a bad relationship. Then all of a sudden 1 night he canceled a date & said he was sick. I didn't believe him but said ok. On facebook the next morning I asked if he was acting weird & he said no & I said I didn't want any bs because I was with someone who lied to me for years. He agreed honesty was important and no bs. He stopped texting me unless he responded to my texts or called me when I called him or asked him to. I left him a message & asked if he wanted to hang out the wkend and didn't reply. I didn't hear from him for 2 days. I called & left a message asking if we were still seeing each other or friends-no response. I texted him a few days later and asked how he was-he said he was busy didn't know about hanging out w/me for the wkend,didn't want 2 be mean. I texted I liked him & would still like to see him-what did he think? He replied-I was pretty, smart, etc. but he had feelings 4 someone else but didn't know what was up w/her but didn't want 2 b unfair 2 me because I deserved 100% & he couldnt give that 2 me right now. I dont get it? - Maggie

Amy: Dear Maggie, I’m not sure what happened. Maybe your freak out at dinner really affected him, or maybe things were starting to change for him anyway. The bottom line is that you have to realize that you were honest with him and there isn’t anything you could or should have done differently. This just didn’t work out and it’s not necessarily due to anything you did or didn’t do.

It’s natural to want to figure things out but it can also drive you crazy. Do whatever you can to come to terms with the uncertainty and just accept the reality of the situation. Again, the best way I can think of to go about that is to understand that sometimes people just change their minds or feelings just change, not due to the fault of either party. It sounds like this is just one of those times. Luckily you didn’t have too much invested…I recommend you give up trying to figure it out and look forward to what’s next.

Q: Hi Amy, My boyfriend of 4 years abruptly moved out, saying he wasn't in love with me anymore. The truth is I don't think I was ever in love with him. He never wanted to travel with me, have sex with me (though he was affectionate), he subtly made fun of my family, friends, and me. Breaking up should be a seamless transition. But he was funny and handsome and did have staccato moments of love letters and candlelit dinners. We had a domestic life that I was in love with. I never thought I could be this damaged, 1 year after a breakup. It's because with him, he acts now as if he never knew me, yesterday's news. He doesn't know I still think of him. I've realized that who was once a confident girl, is now a self-esteem mess, and I think it's due to exposure of his past and current beautiful successful girlfriend(s), his personal glories, and the mind-games he played over time. I shamefully feel inadequate. Until I met him, I loved my life, myself and experiences. He cried a lot for me after he left. He tried to come back and for 2 weeks was great. Then he suddenly stopped calling, and has never tried to contact me since, nor me him. So many unanswered questions. 4 years, poof! I can't grasp feeling so disposable to someone who I shared my life with, how he moved on within 3 months as if we never knew each other, and is giving his new relationship everything he never gave ours. I'm so sad. Is it ever ever really real? Or are we all just chapters in other people's books? Please advise - Marie

Amy: Dear Marie, I can tell that this is very painful for you and perhaps most of all, frustrating that you’re still feeling the way you are after a year. It’s very easy to look to his behavior and cite that as the cause of your pain and frustration. However, as hard as it may be to hear, our pain is always caused by our own thoughts and the stories we are telling about a situation rather than the situation itself. In other words, your boyfriend has been out of your life for a year, yet you are feeling pain…since he is gone, your thoughts, memories, and interpretations are the source of your pain, not him.

It’s important to recognize this as a first step to healing. It’s actually great news because it means that you determine your emotions, not him. You have much more control over your own thoughts than you do over him or his behaviors, so this puts you back in the driver’s seat.

I can tell that you are placing a lot of meaning on particular things he did or said. Suppose for a moment that the meaning you are imposing on his actions is not correct. For example, you say that he acts as if he never knew you and you draw the conclusion that you are disposable. Do you see how linking his action (acting like he never knew you) to some interpretation (your relationship wasn’t important, you are disposable) feels? The truth is, you have no idea why he did the things he did, even if the reason seems obvious. His actions, like everyone’s actions, are 99% due to what’s going on within him and have very little to do with outside circumstances, something about you, or something about your relationship. If you can accept that you just don’t know why he acted the way he did and catch yourself when you begin to draw conclusions from his behavior, you will experience much less pain.

Look at the stories you are telling to explain his behavior and ask yourself, “Can I absolutely know this is true?” I think you’ll find that you can’t usually know for sure what he is/was thinking or what drove him to act in any particular way. Your theories may sound reasonable to you (and it’s natural to derive theories to explain confusing events) but they are not helping you move on at all. In fact, they are keeping you stuck.

Do whatever you can to remember the confident, secure person you used to be. You may even role play and act the way she would act or think the way she would think. Over time those patterns will become more and more familiar to you and the way you used to be will become your new default. When you think about your ex and begin to feel sad or less confident, immediately monitor the thoughts you are having and ask yourself if they are true. If you find that they aren’t necessarily true or that you can’t know for sure, chose to focus on a thought or interpretation that feels better and that fits with the person you want to re-become. It takes a little practice but you can absolutely turn your thinking around.

Q: Hi Amy, I was dating a girl for 16 months and thing were great. I met her 2 summers ago. She lived in Pittsburgh at the time with her mom but her dad lived in the same town and I lived 3 hrs north of Pitt. Right away she had a crush on me and we started dating. We were both crazy about each other in no time. We were together for 2 months and she moved from to my town to live with her dad to be with me because we loved each other so much. She wanted me to get her a promise ring so I did. We were kind of talking about engagement and then a lot of stress came in her life and overwhelmed her and we started fighting a lot for like a month. then one night we were on the phone and she said she couldn't take it anymore she loved me more than anyone but her stress and us fighting was making her unhappy and she said she wanted time and space but was too confused and didn't know anything. She said she couldn't breakup with and I said maybe we should because I thought it would help her. So we broke up. she called me almost every night for two weeks after we broke and a couple times told me she loved me she just needed time. Its been 3 weeks now and the last week she hasn't tried to contact me much. I tried only a couple times. Please tell me what do you think I should do. - Danny

Amy: Dear Danny, As hard as it may be, I think you should continue to give her some time. I know it feels like a very long time, but three weeks isn’t that long, especially since you had quite a bit of communication for the first two weeks.

Since she is the one feeling stressed, allow her to call the shots. Let her know that you are there for her and that you really want her to get through her stressful time so that you can be together again. Then back off and let her initiate the communication when she feels ready for it. By telling her what you’re doing, she won’t think you don’t care anymore when you’re not contacting her.

If she is telling you that she still loves you and she just needs time, try to trust that she’s telling the truth. I don’t think it’s uncommon for people to need breaks, especially in a whirlwind romance that escalated quickly like yours did. For your own peace of mind during this time, stay focused on the fact that you will be together again and that it will be even better than it was before. She’s not only getting this time to go through what she needs to go through, but you’re both seeing that your relationship can make it through rough patches. Those are very good things for your relationship in the long run.

Q: Hi Amy, my boyfriend and I broke up about 4 months ago. I had been overseas and he did some things that lead me not to trust him and for us to break-up. When I got back home, he told me he would do anything to get me back, so we started seeing each other again. We were good, but he didn't understand that I didn't want him hanging out with girls by himself because he had violated my trust. This is when things started going down hill, he then told me he loved me but couldn't be with me because we fought too much. It hurt me that I was willing to work at our relationship and he changed his mind. The week after we broke up definitely, he hooked up with another girl. This disgusted me, and I guess I was okay for a while because I was angry at him and thought that God let this happen, that it would be okay because he had a lot of problems. Now three months later, I don't feel as angry and still love him very much. We don't talk, but last week when we were at a concert together, we danced and told me he still loved me but could not be with him. It is a horrible feeling to have someone that used to love u so much tell you that he doesn't want anything anymore even though I was his first love. Since it made me feel bad that he said that I told him that I deserved better than him, and he agreed. He will also talk about me to my cousin, asking her about me and sending me mixed signals. I don't know what do to. Please advice. - Cata

Amy: Dear Cata, I know you want to hang on to the possibility of this working, but it sounds like it’s time to let go. Letting go doesn’t mean that you’ll never be together in the future, it just means that you let go of trying to make it happen right now and you begin to feel better immediately. Much of our pain in situations like this comes from two things: resisting reality and telling stories that aren’t true. The reality of your current situation is that he doesn’t want to be together right now. As soon as you can embrace that reality you will begin to feel better. However, part of why that reality is so difficult is that you have a lot of thoughts or stories that you’re telling yourself that aren’t necessarily true. For example, what does it mean to you that he is seeing other women? You may be drawing some conclusions from his behavior, such as “he doesn’t care about me” or “our relationship wasn’t that important to him”. Be very careful about inferring things from his behavior, especially when those things are hurtful and don’t serve you. The truth is, you just don’t know how he feels or what’s driving his behavior. The more you try to figure it out on your own, the more likely you are to find conclusions that hurt and that aren’t true.

I think you’re viewing his “signals” as mixed because you want to believe that this could still work out. Some of his signals have been very clear: he has told you that he can’t be with you right now. He may also say that he still loves you, but unfortunately that’s irrelevant to your relationship. Just because two people break up doesn’t make them automatically stop loving each other. You may still have feelings for each other that you describe as love for years to come, but that doesn’t mean you’re meant to be together. Unless he says he wants to get back together, it’s to your benefit to begin to let go and move on. Good luck—it will get easier over time.