Q: I have a friend that I have liked since I met her. We were not good friends for a while until we started hanging out and now she says she likes me as a friends. She always asks me to hang out with her and her friends, she also talks about me when shes around my friends. They all tell me she likes me. I asked her if she would like to go out and I told her i like her. She told me she is not ready for a relationship and that she is shy and doesn't want to be trapped. I really like her and I'm willing to respect that but with all my will I can't stay this way or changes my feeling for her. What should I do? I really want to be with her? She really makes me happy. - Denis

Amy: Dear Denis, You don’t have to stop liking her or try to change your feelings, but things aren’t going to move forward in your relationship until she is ready. There’s no way around that—how could there be? You can’t force her to go out on a date with you and there’s nothing you can say or do to make her ready to take things to the next level. So, you’re really just left with nothing to do but wait for her to be ready to move forward.

I would definitely back off a little. You can still talk to her as much as possible and even flirt with her a little, but no matter how much it seems like she likes you, she has been pretty clear about her wishes to just be friends right now. Use this time to build your friendship. The more she feels like she can trust you, the less “trapped” she’s likely to feel. Likewise about her being shy. If she is shy, she may need to feel more familiar with you and comfortable around you before she’s ready to date. Being overbearing or rushing things will only backfire. Take it slow, build your friendship, and see how things progress.

Q: Hi Amy, A girl I am attracted to has tried to set me up with one of her friends saying her friend needs a good guy that will not hurt a girl and is sweet. Me and this girl I like text but when she sees me in person she is shy but still takes glances at me. Should I just tell her how I feel about her and say it will be awkward to talk to her friend because how I feel about her? Thanks - David

Amy: Dear David, Yes, you should probably say something to the girl you like now, before things get too awkward with her trying to introduce you to her friend. This is a perfect opportunity for you, actually. It’s a great excuse to help you to confess your feelings for her in a way that doesn’t sound too pushy.

You could say exactly what you said in your question. The next time she asks about introducing you to her friend, tell her that while you would love to be in a relationship, you actually have a crush on her so meeting her friend wouldn’t be right. It may feel a little scary to put yourself out there so much, but the good news is that you’re going to know pretty quickly how she feels about you. It’s possible that this whole “let me fix you up with friend” thing is just her way of finding out how you feel anyway.

Q: Dear Amy, I met this girl over the summer at my house party for the first time. From the first contact I had with, I could say I liked her. We didn't see each other for quite sometime but the next time we saw each was at my birthday party and we talked and danced for a bit. And since we have the same circle of friends we always ended up running into each other during social gatherings. The next time we met, she gave me her number and we started talking but the conversations weren't anything special. One time at a party, she was drunk and tried to kiss me which I refused and I told her about it and she felt embarrassed. After this incident and as time went by we started getting comfortable around each other and everything lightened up even the conversations where by now we even talk daily.

The one problem I kind of have is that on her Facebook page she says she is in a relationship which I think might not be true. And she knows I like her because our friends tease us about it all the time which we both deny. She gets mad when I interact with other girls when she's around. I like and I respect so I wouldn't do anything stupid but it can go on for long because I feel like I'm already in a relationship when I'm not even in one. I want to tell her how I feel about her but for all the right reasons. Things are great between between us and I would not want to jeopardize our friendship and I also don't want to not say anything and regret later. Sorry it is long. - K.B

Amy: Dear K.B., I’m confused about her Facebook status. Why would she say she is in a relationship if she’s not? Is she referring to her relationship with you? Or do you think there is even a chance she has another boyfriend?

I’m not exactly sure what’s going on with the two of you but I would absolutely ask her about this relationship she is supposedly in. You have to get to the bottom of that—it shouldn’t jeopardize your friendship at all to get some clarity around that. I would think that you need to know about that before you say anything to her about how you feel.

Once you figure out what relationship she’s in, my thought is that you should tell her exactly how you feel. Of course you have to ultimately do what feels right to you, but I’m guessing you have a lot of friends so I wouldn’t worry so much about potentially losing this friendship. If your conversation with her turns awkward and the friendship can’t survive that, then the friendship wasn’t so strong to begin with. Since you’ve liked her since the day you met, your relationship is much more romantic than pure friendship anyway. Good luck.

Q: I have known this girl for over two months. Things started off pretty well with us. I've finally clarified what exactly we were doing, and apparently she is more concerned with getting her personal life together. She says she does not want a boyfriend right now or a relationship, and apparently, it seems we have been moving too fast with each other. She seems uncertain why she has apparently came out of her shell with me (calling me, wanting to be around me).

My main concern is that ever since I brought up what we were doing she said she wants to be friends, and she also says we have just been friends since we met. She makes it seem like she is not interested by defaulting to the whole, "I don't need a boyfriend, screw relationships" quote. However, she also says conflicting things to me. She says I should see other people if I want to, that she wants to take it slow right now and just be friends. I think she wants more and does not want to say it though. The biggest thing that shows this is that she seemed jealous of me hanging out with my female friend on Friday. She mentioned dropping by and hanging out as well, I said it was okay. After my friend left I called her and we went out, turns out that this is the first time she has ever looked the way she did. Lipstick, a great looking dress, the shoes, her hair had been straightened at the salon. She said she just ended up looking this way to go to the mall for a phone. There are plenty of other examples, but it is confusing. - Jake

Amy: Dear Jake, I know it may seem logical, but I wouldn’t assume that she wants more just because she was jealous and came over dressed up. She may have felt a little threatened and did experience some jealousy, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she will want a relationship with you. Maybe you’ve experienced this yourself in the past—I know I have. When someone who has expressed feelings for you all of a sudden starts hanging out with someone else, you get a twinge of jealousy. But that doesn’t mean you’ll change your intentions and want to date them.

I know it’s confusing and difficult to interpret, but in cases like these it’s best to go by what she says, and not what she does. People’s behavior may be all over the board, but if she’s telling you she wants to slow down, assume that’s the truth. That doesn’t mean it’ll always be the case—there is a good chance that as your friendship continues she may change her mind about dating. But as long as she’s saying that’s what she wants, I’d tend to believe it. Why would she say she wants to slow down and doesn’t want a boyfriend if she really does?

Over time, it will work itself out. I’d suggest continuing your friendship, taking her intentions at face value, and seeing how things go. You never know how things might change as she sees you respecting her wishes for space. Good luck!

Q: Hi Amy, I met this girl during freshmen year of college (about 2 years ago), and we have became really good friends ever since. Then I started having feelings for her, and it was obvious that she has feelings for me as well. The only thing that was stopping me from asking her out is that she has a boyfriend (yeah i know I'm not the only one in my situation). So I told her that I have strong feelings for her during our sophomore year. A few days later she tells me that she feels the same way for me. After that happened, we were pretty much at that stage where we became a couple, except that I was only her 'other' boyfriend. I knew having this thing behind her boyfriend's back was not going to work so well because it was just hard to accept the fact that I'm not her one and only boyfriend. So we had a long talk about our relationship, and in the end we decided to just become friends. The farthest I went with her in terms of intimacy was when we made out a couple of time. Now we're a junior and she is still with her boyfriend. I try avoiding her and moving on so many times, but I just can't ignore the feelings I still have for her. I'm really hoping you can give me some helpful tips to deal with my dating situation because I just feel so confused most of the time. Is there any way I can convince her to leave her boyfriend? And should I ever become friends with him? Sorry for the long post Amy, but this has been going on for so long, and now i need some outside help. - Joe

Amy: Dear Joe, Unfortunately, it sounds like this girl has made her choice. She knows how you feel, or at least she knew at one time, and she chose to stay with her boyfriend. Since they’ve been together for over two years, it sounds like they are at least trying to make it work, even if their relationship is less than perfect.

For those reasons, I would recommend doing whatever it takes to distance yourself from her and try to get over her. I know you say you’ve done this and it hasn’t worked. How often do you still see her? Why do you still see her at all? If you knew that your happiness depended on moving on, would you find a way to do that? How? These are questions you can explore on your own in an effort to really put this behind you. Make it your mission to make yourself happy. If that means reminding yourself that she chose him, do that. It won’t feel great but it’s the truth and it just might be what you need to finally move on. Date other women and do whatever you can to meet someone who is available and who wouldn’t cheat on you.

That said, there is one other option. Since you’re having a hard time putting your feelings for her aside and you seem to still want to be with her, you could let her know how you feel one last time. If you choose to do this, put it all out on the table. Tell her exactly how you feel and that you want to be together (you should make sure to tell her that you want to be her only boyfriend, since that may not be a given for her). But make this the last ditch effort. Make a deal with yourself that if she chooses her boyfriend again this time, that’s it—you will once and for all put her out of your mind, knowing that you are not meant to be together. This let’s you try one last time and if it doesn’t work out, you may get a little more closure knowing that you did everything you could possibly do. Of course if she decides that she does want to be with you instead of her long-term boyfriend, you should proceed with caution into that relationship, knowing that if she cheated once she may cheat again, on you this time.