Q: Dear Amy, I met this girl over the summer at my house party for the first time. From the first contact I had with, I could say I liked her. We didn't see each other for quite sometime but the next time we saw each was at my birthday party and we talked and danced for a bit. And since we have the same circle of friends we always ended up running into each other during social gatherings. The next time we met, she gave me her number and we started talking but the conversations weren't anything special. One time at a party, she was drunk and tried to kiss me which I refused and I told her about it and she felt embarrassed. After this incident and as time went by we started getting comfortable around each other and everything lightened up even the conversations where by now we even talk daily.

The one problem I kind of have is that on her Facebook page she says she is in a relationship which I think might not be true. And she knows I like her because our friends tease us about it all the time which we both deny. She gets mad when I interact with other girls when she's around. I like and I respect so I wouldn't do anything stupid but it can go on for long because I feel like I'm already in a relationship when I'm not even in one. I want to tell her how I feel about her but for all the right reasons. Things are great between between us and I would not want to jeopardize our friendship and I also don't want to not say anything and regret later. Sorry it is long. - K.B

Amy: Dear K.B., I’m confused about her Facebook status. Why would she say she is in a relationship if she’s not? Is she referring to her relationship with you? Or do you think there is even a chance she has another boyfriend?

I’m not exactly sure what’s going on with the two of you but I would absolutely ask her about this relationship she is supposedly in. You have to get to the bottom of that—it shouldn’t jeopardize your friendship at all to get some clarity around that. I would think that you need to know about that before you say anything to her about how you feel.

Once you figure out what relationship she’s in, my thought is that you should tell her exactly how you feel. Of course you have to ultimately do what feels right to you, but I’m guessing you have a lot of friends so I wouldn’t worry so much about potentially losing this friendship. If your conversation with her turns awkward and the friendship can’t survive that, then the friendship wasn’t so strong to begin with. Since you’ve liked her since the day you met, your relationship is much more romantic than pure friendship anyway. Good luck.

Q: I have known this girl for over two months. Things started off pretty well with us. I've finally clarified what exactly we were doing, and apparently she is more concerned with getting her personal life together. She says she does not want a boyfriend right now or a relationship, and apparently, it seems we have been moving too fast with each other. She seems uncertain why she has apparently came out of her shell with me (calling me, wanting to be around me).

My main concern is that ever since I brought up what we were doing she said she wants to be friends, and she also says we have just been friends since we met. She makes it seem like she is not interested by defaulting to the whole, "I don't need a boyfriend, screw relationships" quote. However, she also says conflicting things to me. She says I should see other people if I want to, that she wants to take it slow right now and just be friends. I think she wants more and does not want to say it though. The biggest thing that shows this is that she seemed jealous of me hanging out with my female friend on Friday. She mentioned dropping by and hanging out as well, I said it was okay. After my friend left I called her and we went out, turns out that this is the first time she has ever looked the way she did. Lipstick, a great looking dress, the shoes, her hair had been straightened at the salon. She said she just ended up looking this way to go to the mall for a phone. There are plenty of other examples, but it is confusing. - Jake

Amy: Dear Jake, I know it may seem logical, but I wouldn’t assume that she wants more just because she was jealous and came over dressed up. She may have felt a little threatened and did experience some jealousy, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she will want a relationship with you. Maybe you’ve experienced this yourself in the past—I know I have. When someone who has expressed feelings for you all of a sudden starts hanging out with someone else, you get a twinge of jealousy. But that doesn’t mean you’ll change your intentions and want to date them.

I know it’s confusing and difficult to interpret, but in cases like these it’s best to go by what she says, and not what she does. People’s behavior may be all over the board, but if she’s telling you she wants to slow down, assume that’s the truth. That doesn’t mean it’ll always be the case—there is a good chance that as your friendship continues she may change her mind about dating. But as long as she’s saying that’s what she wants, I’d tend to believe it. Why would she say she wants to slow down and doesn’t want a boyfriend if she really does?

Over time, it will work itself out. I’d suggest continuing your friendship, taking her intentions at face value, and seeing how things go. You never know how things might change as she sees you respecting her wishes for space. Good luck!

Q: Hi Amy, I met this girl during freshmen year of college (about 2 years ago), and we have became really good friends ever since. Then I started having feelings for her, and it was obvious that she has feelings for me as well. The only thing that was stopping me from asking her out is that she has a boyfriend (yeah i know I'm not the only one in my situation). So I told her that I have strong feelings for her during our sophomore year. A few days later she tells me that she feels the same way for me. After that happened, we were pretty much at that stage where we became a couple, except that I was only her 'other' boyfriend. I knew having this thing behind her boyfriend's back was not going to work so well because it was just hard to accept the fact that I'm not her one and only boyfriend. So we had a long talk about our relationship, and in the end we decided to just become friends. The farthest I went with her in terms of intimacy was when we made out a couple of time. Now we're a junior and she is still with her boyfriend. I try avoiding her and moving on so many times, but I just can't ignore the feelings I still have for her. I'm really hoping you can give me some helpful tips to deal with my dating situation because I just feel so confused most of the time. Is there any way I can convince her to leave her boyfriend? And should I ever become friends with him? Sorry for the long post Amy, but this has been going on for so long, and now i need some outside help. - Joe

Amy: Dear Joe, Unfortunately, it sounds like this girl has made her choice. She knows how you feel, or at least she knew at one time, and she chose to stay with her boyfriend. Since they’ve been together for over two years, it sounds like they are at least trying to make it work, even if their relationship is less than perfect.

For those reasons, I would recommend doing whatever it takes to distance yourself from her and try to get over her. I know you say you’ve done this and it hasn’t worked. How often do you still see her? Why do you still see her at all? If you knew that your happiness depended on moving on, would you find a way to do that? How? These are questions you can explore on your own in an effort to really put this behind you. Make it your mission to make yourself happy. If that means reminding yourself that she chose him, do that. It won’t feel great but it’s the truth and it just might be what you need to finally move on. Date other women and do whatever you can to meet someone who is available and who wouldn’t cheat on you.

That said, there is one other option. Since you’re having a hard time putting your feelings for her aside and you seem to still want to be with her, you could let her know how you feel one last time. If you choose to do this, put it all out on the table. Tell her exactly how you feel and that you want to be together (you should make sure to tell her that you want to be her only boyfriend, since that may not be a given for her). But make this the last ditch effort. Make a deal with yourself that if she chooses her boyfriend again this time, that’s it—you will once and for all put her out of your mind, knowing that you are not meant to be together. This let’s you try one last time and if it doesn’t work out, you may get a little more closure knowing that you did everything you could possibly do. Of course if she decides that she does want to be with you instead of her long-term boyfriend, you should proceed with caution into that relationship, knowing that if she cheated once she may cheat again, on you this time.

Q: I have a boyfriend who is very loving, excessively caring and his whole life revolves around me. He completely relies on me for every tiny thing and I find him adorable. We are into an intimate relationship for over 4 years now although, we didn't see each other from past 2 years as he went abroad for his MBA and I love him a lot but I think I am getting deeply attracted towards a guy who is my very good friend for over 6 years who recently confessed that he loves me and wants me. Now that my bond with my boyfriend is weakening and the other guy is growing on me, I am very confused. If I leave my boyfriend he'll almost die and I don't even want to loose my friend whom I have known for so long. What do I do? Please advice. - Sarah

Amy: Dear Sarah, Forget about what’s best for the guys for a minute and think about what you want. Despite your boyfriend’s attachment to you, he won’t die if you break up with him. Being apart for two years is probably a blessing because although you’ve stayed together, you are used to living apart and that could make things easier on both of you if you decide to end it. My point is not that a break up wouldn’t hurt your boyfriend; it’s that you have to do what’s best for you and trust that he will survive. You never know, it could actually be the best thing for him. It almost always is.

I think you know that you really can’t make a decision based on anything other than what feels right to you. Could you really stay with your boyfriend just because you are afraid of hurting him? That would end up hurting him much more than breaking it off and it wouldn’t be serving your own needs at all. Same goes for your friendship with the other guy. It’s already at risk, just due to the fact that he has expressed feelings for you and you aren’t single. There is no reason to think that making the choice that feels right to you would put that friendship at greater risk. In fact, it’s the only course of action that could save your relationship with that friend. You just have to be honest about your feelings; first, be honest with yourself taking everyone else’s emotions out of the equation, and second, be honest with them.

If you aren’t sure which man you want to be with, consider taking a short break from both of them. I wish I could share an easy way for you to know which one is right for you, but unfortunately there’s no magic test to figure it out. One thing I will tell you is that lists of rational reasons against or in favor of each man only go so far. In fact, any thinking on the issue only goes so far. Try to clear your thoughts of the reasons to be with each, and see what your body tells you. When you imagine a future with each, how does that feel in your body? What is your gut instinct? Taking time away from them both and checking in with the wisdom of your body can really help a lot. Good luck!

Q: Hi Amy, I am having a really difficult time figuring out my feelings. I have been single majority of my life and I am no good at relationships. There is this guy that I am good friends with. We went to high school together and sparks seem to fly my senior year, his junior year. We went to New York with our school and spent a lot of time together. We got to know each other so well. He is so nice. We have stayed in touch since high school and that was over 2 years ago. When I have a problem he comes to my side. But I can't figure out if it's something I should pursue. We talk all the time. Everybody wants us together, but I just can't figure my feelings out. Even though we are both in college now he has asked me out on a date. But I've said no. I can't figure if we would be better as friends or if I am afraid to let go. I fear commitment and I have no idea how to get over that fear. Is it something I should pursue? How do I get over my fear of commitment.

Amy: Dear Anonymous, There is a lot here that I’d love to talk with you about!

You say you are no good at relationships but that you’ve been single most of your life. First, I would have you question the belief that you are no good at relationships. What would it look like if you were good at relationships? What is your definition of that? Are you sure you aren’t good at them? Second, how do you think one becomes good at relationships? It’s not a gene we’re born with—it’s the same way we become good at anything…practice! If you’ve been mostly single, I wouldn’t necessarily expect you to be “good at relationships”, whatever that means. The belief that you are somehow bad at relationships could be a major obstacle to having relationships. In other words, if you want to have a relationship, you need to change that belief about yourself. You can do that by questioning where the belief came from and what it means, and being committed to dating more so that relationships begin to feel more natural to you.

As far as this particular guy, I’m confused. Do you have romantic feelings for him or not? I’m kind of inclined to think that you don’t. You are really good at listing his wonderful qualities in a very rational, logical way. He is nice. Other people think you should be together. But you never really say how you feel. You seem to be thinking a lot and feeling very little.

Most of the time when there is a strong attraction and romantic feelings, we wouldn’t question whether to pursue it and we wouldn’t say no when that person asks us out. In fact, most of the questions I get here are just the opposite---readers knowing that someone is not right for them but feeling and acting on a strong attraction anyway. So the fact that you are reasoning and rationalizing this quite so much makes me wonder if maybe the spark just isn’t there for you. Are you trying to talk yourself into liking him in a romantic way, but the feelings aren’t really there? How do you feel when you see him? Excited and happy, or like your friend just walked into the room? Do you feel sexual attraction toward him?

If you do in fact have these romantic feelings, then of course you should pursue it. Why wouldn’t you? What if you are better as friends? You have to take a chance in life to get any kind of rewards, and losing this friendship is the worst that would happen. I’m not saying that’s not bad, but isn’t it worth a chance at love if you really like him already? Look at your commitment fears and question them all. Where do they come from and are they really true, or are they just thoughts you keep repeating to yourself? I can’t coach you through them without knowing what they are, but I have a hunch that if you found someone where real sparks were flying, you’d approach it more with your heart and less with your head. What you are calling a fear of commitment might actually just be the fact that taking this relationship to the next level doesn’t feel right to you.