Q: Hi Dr Amy, My girl friend broke up with me last week. We dated for 3years. The reason for break up was that she has doubt if she wants to be with me. She is from South America and she missed her country and culture so she was sad for while and that is one reason for break up too. But we still talk on the phone and even went on a movie date after the break up like friends. I miss her so much and I want to get her back. Can you give me some tips on this? Thank you - Martin

Amy: Dear Anonymous, I’m sorry, I know that what you’re going through is very hard for you. It’s difficult to give you tips on how to get her back because it sounds like she has some real reasons for wanting to end things. You say she has doubts about whether she wants to be with you. Do you know more about this? This makes a big difference—if her doubts are about something you can help with, you may be able to work on things and make changes that she would be happy with. But if her doubts are about something you have no control over, you may need to just accept the way she feels and admit that it may be over.

Her homesickness sounds like a potentially big issue that you also can’t do much about. If she isn’t happy here or is considering going back to South America, hopefully she’ll do what she can to make herself happy again. You may be able to help, but only if she asks for your help.

I think the best you can do is to maintain your friendship and get to know as much as you can about what’s causing her to doubt your relationship. Respect her wishes for distance by not trying to get back together, but always be listening for any ways you may be able to support her through whatever she is going through. By being a good friend and showing her that she can count on you, you stand the best chance of her changing her mind. Even if she doesn’t change her mind, remember that things like this usually work out for the best in the end and you can rest assured knowing that you were a good friend to her when she needed it. Good luck.

Q: Dear Dr Amy, I was with my girlfriend for 7 years and we had up's and down's like anyone but got through them. She is the girl of my dreams. The main problem in our relationship is it has been long distance for portions because I have been away working. Anyways, we went on a 6 month world trip, which was wonderful and came back talking about marriage and our lives. Unfortunately, due to the trip I was near 8 grand in debt, a recession had hit and there were no jobs, the only option I had was to work away for the summer.

She was fine with it at the time, but didn't want to come with, the first month things were good, then she stopped returning calls, texts, got her old job back and I started hearing lesser from her. I asked her one night what she wanted out of the relationship, said she needed a break and wanted to do her own thing to figure her life out for a bit. I'm 32, she is 27, since she told me that we haven't talked since really. I'm sure her reason was the long distance thing, however I am done with this job, out of debt and have thought about her every day since she told me she wanted to be alone. My question is, what should I do with my feelings? I can't stop thinking about her and would love to be with her again I don't know if I should tell her how I have felt or just let it go?...Any ideas?

Amy: Dear Anonymous, Yes, assuming it's been a while since your break up talk, you should try to contact her again and tell her how you feel. The worst she can do is not respond or tell you that she still needs time. At least then you'll know that it's more than the long distance factor and you can start the process of moving on yourself. On the other hand, the best that can happen is that the two of you end up back together. Telling her how you feel is definitely your best option.

What should you do with your feelings? Feel them. Don't try to suppress or change them, just know that grieving the loss of a relationship hurts sometimes and it's all normal. Don't try to control the outcome, try to have faith that things will work out for the best. There really is very little you can control anyway, trying to control more than you can just makes it hurt more. If she doesn't want to communicate or tells you still needs more time, take that as a sign to surrender and let her have her space. The faster you get to that point, the faster you start recovering yourself.

Most of all, don't blame yourself for anything you did or didn't do. It's so easy to say, "If only I had..." but the truth is, if she needed time to herself, she was going to need that no matter what you did. It may feel like the distance is what did you in, and maybe it contributed, but like you said, she chose not to go with you for the summer. She could have still taken your calls and tried to communicate better. We're all on our own path, sometimes our paths match up with others' and sometimes they don't. You didn't do anything wrong. Ask her for some time to talk to her about how you feel. I hope she chooses to give it to you.

Q: Dear Amy, My ex and I have been together for 3 years, and we have a one year old son together. For the most part our relationship was fine until she told me something that she wasn't honest about some things that hurt me. After finding out I held a grudge and drove our relationship into the ground. I then broke up with her because I felt that I was tearing our relationship apart and needed time to get myself together. I remained uninvolved during the break-up and attempted to get over my grudge. She initially wanted to get back together and get married. Now that I have let it go for good I want her, my son and I to be a family again, but I feel it might be to late because she is seeing someone else and said she doesn't want to be in a relationship. What should I do. Please help?

Amy: Dear Anonymous, I don't know if it's too late, it might be, or it might just take your ex some time to get her head around the idea of the two you being together again if that's something she had given up on. It sounds like its going to be her call, so the best approach for you is to think about how you can support her while she decides what she wants.

Have you had a chance to really sit down and talk about what you want in a relationship? Have you been able to tell her that you are completely over your grudge and apologize for your role in that? If you haven't already, make sure she understands that although you may not have handled her dishonesty in the best way, that's the only way you knew to deal with it and you have taken steps to move past it. Most of all, listen to her and really try to hear her concerns. If she has concerns about things working between the two of you again, that may be something you can help her with. If she has more vague reasons like, "I just don't have the same feelings anymore", there is much less you can do.

Overall, make sure she knows how sorry you are for your role in what happened and how committed you are to being in a relationship again, but don't push. Once she knows those things, tell her you will back off for a while and let her make her decision. She needs to know how serious you are, but she definitely doesn't need to feel pressure, that will just backfire on you. Try to give her as much time and space as she needs.

I would also try to keep the conversation about you and her, without bringing your son into it. I can't tell you how often I hear that people are trying to get back together for their child or so that they can be a family. The two of you will always be a family with your son, that's not the issue here. The issue is 100% about you and her being in a committed, romantic relationship. Make sure you would both want to be together even if you didn't have your son. If that's true, the relationship is based on a solid foundation and has a much greater chance of long term survival than if you are trying too hard for the wrong reasons.

No matter what happens, try not to have regret or beat yourself for reacting the way you did to her dishonesty. You obviously felt like you needed that time to yourself to sort things out. I'm sure you learned a lot about the best way to deal with your own feelings that you can carry forward into this or other future relationships. Good luck! I hope it works out for you two.

Q: Dear Amy, I am 21 years old and my 19 year old girlfriend broke up with me. We were dating for 3 years, she lived with me this last year, and it's been 3 months that we've not been together. Now she lives with her best friend who influences her to drink and party every weekend now which she never did before. What's the best way to get her to love me again? She tells me she just wants to be friends now but she is not really wanting to talk or text because I always bring up the relationship and she says she has to go when I bring it up. She tells me to move on and have fun but then I twitter things like I'm going to the movies with friends and she always wants to know with who I go and what I do. But when it's the other way around she says it's none of my business. She tells my mom that she cares and worries about me but when she talks to me she acts completely opposite, like she can't stand me. Should I give her time? I don't want her to move on. Should I give up on this relationship?

Amy: Dear Anonymous, Your ex-girlfriend is telling you, verbally and by her actions, that she just wants to be friends. She is telling you to move on and she doesn't want to talk about the relationship. Even though she might like to know who you hang out with and what you do, that has nothing to do with whether she wants to date you or not. She may be a little jealous, which doesn't mean she wants to be your girlfriend again. Or asking about your activities could be her attempt to try to have a friendship with you. Either way, I think it's time to do as she suggests and try to move on.

I'm sorry--I know this isn't what you want to hear. She's been with you since she was 16, so she may just need to experience life without you for a while. That's likely what's behind her new party behavior as well. There really is nothing you can or should do about her drinking and partying. Unless you truly think she is in physical danger, you need to let her live her own life and have her own experiences, even if you see them as mistakes.

Do what you can to give her the space she's asking for and move on yourself when you feel ready. It gets easier with time, I promise.

Q: I recently broke up with my girlfriend because I felt we needed a break from each other. Now i want her back. How should I go about getting her back?

Amy: Dear Anonymous, Before you come up with your strategy to get her back, I'd like to see you spend some time really evaluating why you felt you needed a break from each other and what's different now to make you no longer feel that way. Recall the thoughts and feelings you had as you were making the choice to end the relationship. Are all of the concerns you had at the time resolved? How did they get resolved? Can you be reasonably sure that these concerns won't pop up again in the future? How do you want your relationship to be different moving forward to be sure that these issues don't come back? Not knowing the specifics of your situation, I'll have to rely on you to coach yourself using these questions as your guide.

You should also take a close look at the thoughts and feelings that have been making you want her back. As a general rule, you should want her back because of her and not because of you. In other words, your reasons for wanting back in the relationship should be about missing her and realizing that she is the one for you, rather than that you don't enjoy being single as much as you thought you might or that you can't stand to see her dating other people. There are likely a lot of emotions around the break up and being apart that could potentially cloud your judgment about wanting to resume the relationship. The key is to try to see through those as much as possible before making any big moves.

Okay, so once you know that you want her back for the right reasons and you've thought about how to avoid repeating old patterns, you'll have some explaining to do. Since you were the one to end things, you owe her an explanation of what has transpired in your time apart to make you change your mind. Tell her why you want to be back together in as much detail as you can. If there is some jealousy involved (e.g., you can't bear to see her dating other guys) or some loneliness (e.g., you weren't prepared for being alone), tell her that too. She deserves to know the whole truth so that she can base her decision on everything available. She may have some tough questions for you. As the one who ended things and now the one pursuing her again, you also owe it to her to answer her questions as best you can. After you plead your case, you're basically at her mercy. You've both been through a lot emotionally. Try to remember that she's been through as much as you, if not more because the decision to end things was yours. Be respectful of her feelings and any concerns or worries she might have.

Be prepared for her to hesitate or need time to consider your offer. Even though she may not have wanted the time apart, it may have turned into a good thing for her. Even if she hasn't moved on completely, she's probably had some glimpses of how her life could be without you. She may also be afraid of being hurt again. I don't mean to discourage you at all, but you should prepare yourself for these possibilities, just in case.

If the two of you do end up back together, there are some common pitfalls to be aware of. The first is dealing with the issue of what each of you did in your time apart. I'm sure a lot of people remember the famous Friends episode where Ross and Rachel were "on a break". Ross hooked up with someone else and Rachel felt cheated on and betrayed when they reunited. Things done "on a break" are not easily forgotten or simply overlooked when two people get back together. Although it may seem like a good idea to omit certain pieces of information, it is important to start off your Relationship Version 2.0 with honesty (that doesn’t necessarily mean details, but if one or both of you were with other people it should be talked about in as much detail as you're both comfortable with). Discuss what you need to discuss as honestly as possible and rebuild from there.

The second common pitfall is expecting things to be exactly as they were before you broke up. Granted, you won't have to re-learn her middle name or her favorite food, but getting back together is a little like starting off new. This can be a very good thing. After some time apart, it can be fun to feel butterflies again and go out of your way for each other like you did early on. Try not to go right back to your old routines of watching American Idol and going to bed early, take her out on dates and romance her for a while, just like in the beginning of your relationship when you were trying to win her over.

Getting back together can feel like a series of obstacles, but a lot of people do it and go on to even stronger relationships. As long as you've given a lot of thought to your reasons, you can be completely honest with her about how you feel and how you'd like your new relationship to be different, and she agrees and is willing to work at it, you have a great chance of things working out for you. Good luck!