Q: Dear Dr. Amy, I've been seeing this guy since new year 2010. It is a long distant relationship, about hour and a half. We are younger so we rarely talk on the phone but text numerous of time a day and at first I was making the trip to see him every other weekend, and now he's making an effort to come see me. I've ask him about the relationship because I feel it's stagnant. He tells me that he's not ready to commit or be exclusive, but stated that "that's not to say where we will be 6 months from now," or he'll say "I had opportunities to sleep with other women but felt guilty because of me." I feel hopeless because my feelings aren't necessarily being reciprocated but he gives me a lot of mix signals and just keeps me holding on. He's very attentive and genuine and ultimately would be a great boyfriend. What should I do, should I stay and wait for him to commit or do I move on? - Thary

Amy: Dear Thary, It sounds to me like you’re right about your hunch—you are much more into this relationship than he is and there’s no indication that’s going to change anytime soon. It’s been four months already…if things were progressing toward what you want, you’d probably know it by now.

You have two options. One, you can accept that this is not an exclusive relationship and it may never be and agree to just keep it casual with no expectations for change. Let him continue to put in the effort to come see you—that means that he puts in at least 50% of the effort in texting and traveling, if not more. Since this is not an exclusive relationship and you aren’t holding out for change, you should date other people if someone comes along.

Your other option is to tell him that you want a commitment or nothing, and be prepared for nothing. He’s already said that he’s not ready to commit, so giving him an ultimatum will likely land you alone anyway, but you never know—if faced with losing the relationship completely he may change his mind. Most likely though, this is just a way to end things since they aren’t moving as quickly in the direction you want.

Notice that staying and waiting for him to commit is not a good option. From what you describe, it sounds like he is doing and saying the bare minimum to keep you around but he isn’t ready to commit. I could be wrong and things could change, but I wouldn’t recommend putting your life on hold to wait for the kind of exclusive relationship you want.

Q: Dear Amy, My boyfriend and I have dated for almost five years but several months ago we split up. He told me that when we are together things are perfect, but when we are apart (separate universities) things are too difficult. He is sick of fighting over not being able to see each other often enough. I agreed reluctantly and we went our separate ways. I feel that because I was his first serious girlfriend, he may not have realized what we had is very unique and special. I also think that the pressure to party with his friends was putting a strain on our relationship. He is my best friend and we parted openly admitting that when we are together things are great, and so I think eventually when we aren't so far apart things could work but when I told him this he said "I just don't see us ever getting back together". I am so confused? I feel that our issues stem from being young and overwhelmed with school, the temptation to party like other college kids, and the distance which are all factors that could be solved with time. But, Am I being too optimistic? Am I pretending we have a future because I cannot move on? I am not afraid of being single, but I am afraid of walking away from true love and an irreplaceable bond. Should I try to forget him an move on, or is there still hope? - Casey

Amy: Dear Casey, It sounds like the two of you are on different pages at this moment in time. That doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s over for good, but his statement about not seeing you ever getting back together is pretty far from your belief that this is all just temporary and due to circumstance. No matter how much you believe that, you need for him to believe that if things are going to work and for the time being, he doesn’t. So the answer to both of your questions is yes—there is always hope that things could work out down the road when circumstances change. But it looks like you should try to move on with your life in the meantime. He’s obviously not ready to be together right now and holding on or waiting for him isn’t going to help you personally or help your chances of reuniting. The best thing you can do is try to enjoy your life without him, without expectations for the future.

Your comment about the “irreplaceable bond” makes me think that a lot of your pain may be coming from a belief that if this doesn’t work out, you’ll never have anything like it again. Of course this particular guy and this particular relationship won’t be replicated, but this isn’t your only shot at love and I promise, this isn’t the only guy out there for you. It’s hard when it’s your first real relationship because that one person is all you know. So you’re going to have to have a little faith and just trust me. Whether things work out with this guy or not, there are other people you will meet as you go through life who you have deep connections with. This relationship taught you a lot and served its purpose, and now it’s time to move on. You may come back to it at some later date or you may not, but either way, things always turn out for your greatest good, even when it doesn’t feel like it at the time. I realize there’s not a lot I can say to make this feel easier for you and I don’t want to give you a bunch of clichés about first loves and more fish in the sea.

Set him free to do his thing for now and have faith that if it was meant to be, he’ll come back someday.

Q: I've been in a LDR for 2 years now. It hasn't been a true relationship due to not only the distance but she was in the process of making her separation official over that time period. The stress and drama of her situation did not always allow time for us to be together in person and also affected the attitude of our phone conversations at times (being hard to be happy when she was struggling through this). Basically my situation is she is now free, we talked lightly throughout the 2 years about being together as we live on opposite ends of the country. When her situation heated up getting her divorce complete I spent time to focus on myself as it was hard to catch up with one another. I realized there were things that I wanted or had issues with, mainly being my job and being away from family. When we talked about being together it involved me moving there. Initially I was open to it, but when I visited the location I was not really excited about the thought of living there. To me it was in the middle of nowhere. To top it off when I look for jobs in my field I find very little that interests me or that I can actually apply for. She has kids and a now ex, I wouldn't dare ask her to move, that is not fair to the kids...but now I realize I don't like the idea of living where she is, that I'd be giving up a great job as well as other things I love here for a location that doesn't please me in any way aside from being with her. I don't know what to do. - Jay

Amy: Dear Jay, I think you have to look at how much you want to be with her and why. I have a hunch that you feel like you should give this relationship a shot because you’ve hung in there with her for two years, or because you feel like you owe it to her, or for some other reason other than that you really, truly think you want to be with her. This is just a feeling I get from your question—I certainly could be wrong, but it sounds like the excitement about being with her is missing and your entire focus is on the logistics. To bypass your rationalizations and your “should” and “ought to” thoughts, don’t think about what you want to do but feel it. Notice how it feels physically in your body when you think about moving and being in a relationship with her. Don’t worry about the job right now, just focus on living where she lives and being in a committed relationship. How does that feel? What thoughts pop up when you try to quiet your mind and focus on this scenario?

This is not simple because by choosing to be with her you’re be choosing to be with her children and you’re be choosing to live somewhere you may not be happy. Those are huge commitments to make and I wouldn’t recommend making them until and unless you feel really good about them. Excited…giddy, even. That’s not to say that you won’t be a little nervous, or that you won’t miss people where you currently live if you decide to move, or that you won’t have concerns about your career. But for you to move across country to be with this woman and her children, you should be mostly excited and happy-nervous, not scared and unsure-nervous. Can you feel the difference? I like the analogy of diving off a really high diving board into a pool. When you’re that high up, you’re going to feel some butterflies in your stomach. But does it feel like diving into a crystal blue, clear pool, or does it feel like diving into a pool of brown sludge? Does it feel like freedom—shackles off? Or does it feel like imprisonment—shackles on?

As you’ve figured out, I can’t tell you what to do. But I hope these questions can help you find an answer within yourself. If you find that you aren’t excited about moving and giving this a shot right now, wait. There’s no timeline, right? Wait it out, get reacquainted with each other through phone calls and visits, and see if your feelings change. You’ll know when it feels like the right thing to do. And if you find that it doesn’t feel right, that’s okay too.

Q: Hi Amy, I was on the wrong end of a long distance relationship roughly 4 months ago. I was physically with this person for a year until she left to continue her studies on the other side of the country. I didn't see this coming as I was visiting a week before the break up. For the first time in my life I actually connected with someone on a level that was very fulfilling and meaningful. I felt like I was experiencing love for the first time and was genuinely happy. Sadly, the memories and the feelings of pure bliss came crumbling down when she ended things in a very convincing and unexpected fashion. She was cold, callus and down right nasty in her approach after a very loving relationship where I sacrificed a great deal for this person and in the end all she could do was tell me in so many words how worthless I was. I don't deny that our lives were heading in different directions, but I also cannot deny the ridiculous chemistry we shared. The thing that is most troubling to me is, the relationship has no validity in the end and no closure came to me. It felt like she was flaunting her new life in front me and said the year we spent together was her wanting to try something different. I didn't put up a fight, argue or push back it like I was watching a car wreck that I couldn't stop. From that moment on the girl I fell madly in love with ceased to exist. It's like I never knew her at all, my heart is turning black as I type this. Thanks for your time. - B

Amy: Dear B, I know it can be very hard when someone acts as if the relationship you had was not what you thought it was. The most important thing to know is that her callous break up does not invalidate your relationship at all. Nothing she could do or say now could possibly validate or invalidate what you had in the past. Sometimes people change and when they are hurting, they sometimes react in ways that are not how they truly feel. I’m not at all defending her or making excuses for the way she ended things—I just want you to know that her actions are not personal, they are not necessarily about you or even about your relationship, and they can’t dictate how you feel about yourself or your relationship unless you let them.

Try not to read into how things ended. The truth is, you just don’t know exactly how she feels or what she is going through, so there is no use in trying to make sense of it in that way. It’s very possible that tearing you down and calling you worthless is what she felt like she had to do to justify things or make herself feel better about the break up in some way. Of course I don’t know what was going on in her mind any more than you do, but the point is that neither of us can or will ever know for sure. She handled things the way she did for her own personal reasons so for you to tell yourself that it was meaningful or important just doesn’t help and it isn’t true.

It’s going to take time to get over this relationship, but that would be true no matter how things ended. Allow yourself to grieve your loss without adding additional pain by telling a painful story. To do this, try to separate facts from story as much as possible. When you have painful thought, stop and ask yourself, “Am I thinking about a concrete fact, or am I telling my version of a story?” Many times you will notice that you’re telling yourself a story about something (e.g., “she never loved me”) rather than thinking about a concrete fact (e.g., “she broke up with me”), and that’s what’s causing your pain.

You will get through this. Let yourself feel what you feel and you will begin the healing process.

Q: Hi Amy, I am more than a little confused right now. I've been friends with a girl for about 3 or 4 years now. We talk a lot, and get on very well. As I am at uni, we hadn't been seeing each other very regularly, but when we did it was pretty clear we liked each other as more than just friends. Recently, she came to see me at uni, we went on a night out. Kissed for the first time, etc. Then we told each other that we really liked each other. We been trying to sort out more opportunities to see each other and things seemed to be going well. However, we were talking yesterday and she said that she "doesn't see the point in us being more than friends because of the distance, we don't see each other enough". I said that we can see each other more than we do, we just have to try more. Her reply was "I know that we'd try and it would end up not working".

I don't understand why shes suddenly changed her mind. Why would she make the effort to come to see me, kiss me, say she likes me etc, and then decide that we should just be friends? The thing that I am most confused about is why she wont even just give it a go. If it doesn't work because of the distance then we'd stay friends, surely? Any advice is appreciated. Thanks.

Amy: Dear Anonymous, When she says that she knows you’d try it would end up not working, is she referring to trying to see each other more often, or trying out a relationship? Is it possible that she got frustrated with the attempts at seeing each other? Maybe they were more difficult than she expected? I’d love to hear more about how often you were able to get together and how easy it was to carve out that time and actually make it happen. From your question, it sounds like maybe she was discouraged at the effort that had to go into making those meetings happen. But it’s difficult for me to know from the information in your question alone.

You say you’re confused about why she won’t give your relationship a chance, and I totally understand your frustration. Maybe she feels like she has given it a chance. Or maybe something else made her change her mind. At any rate, the only way you’re going to know is if you talk to her about it. Given that her change of heart was somewhat sudden, you should feel justified in talking to her and getting a more complete explanation. It’s not as though you’re trying to persuade her to change her mind (although if she did, that could be good), it’s that you are sincerely confused about her actions and would like more insight. Since you were friends for so long to begin with, it’s worth learning more and at least doing what you can to make sure the friendship is salvaged. Good luck!