Q: Hi Amy, I am more than a little confused right now. I've been friends with a girl for about 3 or 4 years now. We talk a lot, and get on very well. As I am at uni, we hadn't been seeing each other very regularly, but when we did it was pretty clear we liked each other as more than just friends. Recently, she came to see me at uni, we went on a night out. Kissed for the first time, etc. Then we told each other that we really liked each other. We been trying to sort out more opportunities to see each other and things seemed to be going well. However, we were talking yesterday and she said that she "doesn't see the point in us being more than friends because of the distance, we don't see each other enough". I said that we can see each other more than we do, we just have to try more. Her reply was "I know that we'd try and it would end up not working".

I don't understand why shes suddenly changed her mind. Why would she make the effort to come to see me, kiss me, say she likes me etc, and then decide that we should just be friends? The thing that I am most confused about is why she wont even just give it a go. If it doesn't work because of the distance then we'd stay friends, surely? Any advice is appreciated. Thanks.

Amy: Dear Anonymous, When she says that she knows you’d try it would end up not working, is she referring to trying to see each other more often, or trying out a relationship? Is it possible that she got frustrated with the attempts at seeing each other? Maybe they were more difficult than she expected? I’d love to hear more about how often you were able to get together and how easy it was to carve out that time and actually make it happen. From your question, it sounds like maybe she was discouraged at the effort that had to go into making those meetings happen. But it’s difficult for me to know from the information in your question alone.

You say you’re confused about why she won’t give your relationship a chance, and I totally understand your frustration. Maybe she feels like she has given it a chance. Or maybe something else made her change her mind. At any rate, the only way you’re going to know is if you talk to her about it. Given that her change of heart was somewhat sudden, you should feel justified in talking to her and getting a more complete explanation. It’s not as though you’re trying to persuade her to change her mind (although if she did, that could be good), it’s that you are sincerely confused about her actions and would like more insight. Since you were friends for so long to begin with, it’s worth learning more and at least doing what you can to make sure the friendship is salvaged. Good luck!

Q: Dear Amy, I met a guy through a mutual friend 4 months ago. He lives on the other side of the country and he is recently divorced (a few months ago). We spoke on the phone and webcammed for 3 months and got along super well until I finally went to visit him. We spent a week together and had tons of fun and were totally comfortable with each other. We didn't have sex but we were intimate - initiated by him each time. After I got back, he called me and said: "I'm amazing" and he "totally loves me" but that he didn't "feel it" (assuming that he didn't feel the same way he felt with his ex wife?) and that we should just be friends. He told me that he doesn't want to lose me and that I'm one of his best friends so I agreed to stay friends with him. He also said that he's afraid of commitment and that I deserve someone who isn't as emotionally messed up as he is. Now I am wondering what exactly happened. Is he REALLY afraid of commitment or is it that he's not attracted to me and he's just trying not to hurt my feelings? He still calls me about once a week and emails me regularly (not as much as before, but not so little that I can just forget about him either). He told me that I had ruined it for other girls because he doesn't find anyone else to be as interesting as me. I wonder if he is just keeping me around as an option while he looks for something better? I am really confused and unsure how to proceed with the situation. I still love him as a friend. Is it worth it to see him again? - Nausheen

Amy: Dear Nausheen, I can’t know this guy's real thoughts any better than you can. But if I were you, I’d focus on the fact that he said you should just be friends and that he is afraid of commitment. Despite all of the compliments (which could be honest or could be exaggerated to spare your feelings), it sounds like he’s been pretty clear about what he wants for your relationship.

When you focus on the fact that he is only willing to be friends, does that make your decision about how to proceed easier? It’s really up to you whether you want to see him again, but I definitely wouldn’t go back to visit with any agenda of changing his mind. If you want to continue to build the friendship, that’s great. If you decide that’s too difficult or not worth it for you, that’s fine too. But keep in mind the bottom line: he doesn’t want more than a friendship at this point. I know it can be confusing when he says that and then compliments you, but his intentions seem fairly clear. I hope that helps you focus and makes your path forward a little easier to navigate.

Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for a little more than 2 years. He is in Army officer training, however, and after graduating from college has had to move around within the US for training and work. I am still in college, don't have a car, have socially conservative parents who frown on overnight visits with the opposite sex, and will be working in my home state after graduation. He will be stationed at a fort in another state for the next four years. Recently the distance seems to be taking a toll on him. We were able to see each other for two days this week, but that was the first time in six months that we saw each other. We talk on the phone every day, but conversation has begun to grow a little stale - he was not much of a talker to begin with, and I can tell when he's getting bored with the conversation (which has started to annoy me). Due to his commitment to the Army and limited time off, the next time I'll be able to see him is in four months, probably again for only two or three days (his family lives on the opposite coast). Our relationship was built on and excels when we do things together (cooking, listening to each other play music, trying out new restaurants, surfing the web together) and has felt very solid, loving, and stable. With the long distance aspect thrown into the pot, though, he is wondering whether we should break up for now. I see his point, but I don't want to end it; any advice on what I should do? - T

Amy: Dear T, This sounds even more extreme than the typical long distance relationship as you’re only seeing each other a few times a year. Are there plans for him to move to your home state when his training is over? Have the two of you talked about when you will be together on a more permanent basis? Are you both committed to living together as soon as possible, even if it means giving up career opportunities or potentially disappointing your parents? These are important questions. If you’ve discussed these things and are on the same page, that shows that this relationship is a top priority for both of you. That’s a very different situation than if these things haven’t been discussed. If you haven’t had these conversations, I’d guess that four more years of only seeing each other every few months isn’t going to make either of you very happy.

Both of you being happy is the goal, right? I think you could do it…stay together for four years and rarely see each other, but there is no prize in just doing it. The whole purpose of a relationship is that it fulfills needs for both parties; that both of you are happier in it than you are without it. Keep that in mind as you navigate the near future. It’s easy for staying together to turn into a goal to be accomplished, but that’s not what your relationship should be about.

I think you’re absolutely right: relationships really need that one-on-one time to grow. I wouldn’t say that it’s impossible for you to maintain things and even to grow together via phone calls and emails, but most people in your situation don’t manage to make that work in a way that truly benefits both people (again, remember the difference between “making it work” and really being happy in the relationship). Do you see your only options as staying together or breaking up? Maybe there are options in between, where you can capitalize on how well you get along when you’re together by still seeing each other as much as possible, but you don’t force things by trying to talk on the phone everyday or having a serious commitment. Something like that, where you work on your friendship but take some of the serious commitment out of it, sounds much more likely to work for four years. Ultimately, it has to be whatever you both feel is right. Just be careful about jumping to conclusions about what you should be doing or what it means if you change the status of things. You could absolutely still end up together in the end, when you can literally be together, even if you decide to change the look and feel of your relationship while you’re apart. In fact, you probably have a better chance that way. Good luck.

Q: I was in a long distance relationship for a year and we just broke up about 2 months ago. He said that this long distance thing wasn't working for him. He said that he can't and won't do anymore time for something new...nothing against me he is just doing whats best for him. So about 3 weeks after we break up he calls saying that we should be friends and he still loves me and he misses me. I am like ok we can do that and go from there. At this point he's calling and texting me everyday. Then some weeks later he says to me that what we have doesn't need titles. Now he's like I can only have sex with him. Just this past weekend he comes home for the weekend. Everything was just like we were together. Hugs and kisses, smiles and can't take eyes off each other type thing. I love him and care for him. I am so sad and hurt that we're not together. What does this mean? And how do I deal with this situation? I know he loves me, its like a gut feeling that I have. We have such a strong connection, more than a physical one. I want him back..Please help me! - Karla

Amy: Dear Karla, It sounds like you have a couple choices. One, you can keep things are, but you’re obviously not completely satisfied with that arrangement and I don’t blame you. It sounds a little like he’s calling all the shots and you’re at the mercy of what how he wants things to be. The good news is that you do get some type of relationship with him again, even though it’s not exactly the way you want it. Two, you can hold out for what you want—the relationship you seem to be rebuilding plus the level of commitment you used to have. However, it doesn’t sound like he wants this. If he wants “no titles” (yet he expects you to be monogamous), does that mean he wants to be able to see other people? What is his real issue with a title or commitment? If you don’t already know, you should talk to him about it and find out what it is about having a title that really bothers him. Also, If give him an ultimatum (relationship with commitment vs. nothing), you risk going back to nothing. Are you willing to take that risk?

If I were you, I would find out exactly what his feelings were about the commitment you had, whether he is dating other women or wants to leave that option open, and what he sees for the two of you in the future. Hopefully you know the answer to most of these questions already, but from your question it sounds like you might be in dark. Don’t be afraid to ask the hard questions—that’s the only way you’re going to find out where he stands and it also shows him that you aren’t willing to let him call all the shots and just go along for the ride.

Q: Dear Amy, I've been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for 8 months now. He is only 2 hours away but it's still a long ways away when you're in a relationship! I'm 23, live in a small town where all my family is and I've owned a boutique here for 2 years now. I have come to the conclusion that I'm not so much a small town girl and can't see myself living here for the rest of my life. My boyfriend is 31, lives in the city, has a house, a career, is very settled and does not plan on moving anywhere. I am the one that has to make the life change and be the one to take our relationship to the next level and move up there. Whenever the topic comes up I'm completely overwhelmed and stressed to the max because I have my business (which isn't a big money making business) here and my family. Other than those two things I don't have a lot going in this small town so there is no point even for him to move here (not that he would). So I have to figure out how to make this work! I want both my business and my boyfriend but how do you juggle that when they are both 2 hours away from each other. He brought up closing the boutique for the winter seeing how it makes most of the money in the summer tourist time. I don't want to fail either of them. My parents don't want to see my throw my business away that they helped me start for a guy so I don't want to let them down either......I'm really confused...please help! Thank You!

Amy: Dear Anonymous, When you began your business, what were your intentions for it? Do you see yourself running the boutique long-term? Is this your career, or just a hobby? What about plans for moving or expanding? Did you assume you’d live in your small town forever, or did you ever think about what you would do if you wanted to move?

Closing for the winter sounds like an option, as it would give you a few months to “test drive” living with or near your boyfriend so you could see how that works out. If you were to do that, could you keep the business going in some other way, perhaps by selling items through an online store, or using that time to plan a new product line to launch in the summer? What about opening the boutique in the city…is that an option? I know it may be more expensive and a bigger job than you’re up for right now, but if you eventually want to live in the city, it’s something to start researching and working toward.

It’s hard to help you brainstorm very much without knowing anything about the business or your current location, but I love the idea of e-commerce as an alternative to having to be physically sitting somewhere. That’s definitely something to look into, even if it’s just a temporary option while you set up shop in the city.

As far as “letting things fail”, how could they? You are committed to making your relationship and some version of your business work, and it’s definitely possible. You just doubt it now because the path isn’t clear yet. It’s easy to get stuck thinking down the same paths, coming up with the same not-good-enough solutions to your problems over and over. You’re doing the right thing by reaching out to other people for their insights. Another method of creative brainstorming I love is to set an intention before you go to bed to wake up with some insight into your “problem”. Don’t put any parameters on how the insight comes or what the answer might be, just be open to clues and see what comes up the next day. Often, clues and new directions will come in the form of song lyrics or overheard conversations when you are open to hearing them. This has worked wonders for me and many of my clients.

In terms of letting your parents down…I can understand that they might be nervous to see you want to give up part of what you’ve worked for to take a chance on a relationship. But I’m sure their main concern is your happiness. It’s not always realistic that you would stay in the same small town for life, and so change is inevitable. It sounds like this is a pretty solid relationship and you’re not so much “taking a chance” as “moving forward”. If you explain it to them that way, and express your commitment to finding a way to make your business thrive, I hope they’d be on board with their support.